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the bible
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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in me's LiveJournal:

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Sunday, July 25th, 2010
6:52 pm
i dont think anyone reads this anymore because i dont post here anymore.

but ive started a blog elsewhere:

Thursday, April 1st, 2010
4:26 pm
My first published fiction piece, To Lose My Life: In Eight Movements, is now up at http://www.sexandmurder.com/noname.html

You can read it online, download the .pdf, or buy a print copy of the issue.

Soooooo.... yeah. :)
Saturday, March 27th, 2010
11:19 am
watch me rock out to narrows. you can spot some friends of mine here too. its like where's waldo.

Friday, March 26th, 2010
6:23 pm
hardcore in the city

went out with some friends to a venue called the smell in downtown LA last night. went to see narrows, which has some members of an old metal-core band called botch. also discovered a local hardcore act called dangers. narrows was amazing, but it was great to see a positive hardcore act with politically-tinged lyrics that still get kids worked up. almost everyone there was singing along to this band, dangers. the kids are still angry and still alive.

as documented, by ben hoffman (project1site.com):

Wednesday, March 24th, 2010
2:00 pm
Wednesday, March 17th, 2010
11:24 am
i hit it with my axe


im involved with this, but moreso in later episodes.

zak sabbath is a dungeon master. pornstars, hairdressers, strippers, etc... they play dungeons and dragons in five minute weekly episodes of reality TV.
Monday, March 15th, 2010
2:53 pm
Okay, I am a failure, but a published one
This 30-day meme thing is not gonna happen. I dont keep up with it. Its not for lack of an attention span, its just... i dont know. i have no excuses. but im gonna go on to something else.

Anyways, go to this site http://www.thievesjargon.com and read a short story called "Nothing Profound," because I wrote it.

Now, I'm a narcissistic failure
Wednesday, March 10th, 2010
9:29 pm
30 Day Meme-Day 10... er 11
Day 10 is a picture taken of you over 10 years ago. I can't find one so im moving on to day 11

A picture taken of you recently:

and im cranky and tired so im just gonna say google "danny wylde" and i dont know... im so bad at this today. ive got nothing.
Tuesday, March 9th, 2010
9:36 pm
30 Day Meme-Day 9
I think I didn't put enough days in that last post.

Soo... here is "A Photo You Took"

This is the only crap iPhone photo I took on the commercial shoot. Teaserx1000

I don't know how to embed this:
9:30 pm
So... Looks like I only made it four days into the 30 day meme. But before you call me a slacker, let me just make a good excuse. I WAS DOING STUFF IN REAL LIFE. And it took a lot of time and effort so I didnt make it to my computer over the weekend.

I was producing/directing my first post-graduate film project with a good friend named Alex Dillon (director of photography) and a bunch of other talented and helpful folks. We did a prep day and then two twelve-hour night shoots to complete the majority of our first spec commercial. We plan to pitch it to monster energy drinks (fingers crossed). We still have a couple shots we need to do in a studio because they are FX intensive, but so far I am totally stoked about this. It is definitely the most professional looking thing I have ever been a part of (on the creative side). So even if it doesn't sell, it will be a great reel piece.

Anyways, to top it off, I got back to work today and did a killer scene with a woman named Tanya Tate. So life is pretty awesome at the moment.

As for the meme... how many days have I missed?

Let's just say four for the fuck of it.

So Day 5 is Favorite Quote.

I have never thought about a favorite quote. I think this is posted on my facebook though: "Eat a dick" -Ice T

Day 6 is Whatever Tickles Your Fancy

I'm just going to say that the post about the commercial covers this.

Day 7 is A Photo That Makes You Happy

this is nicholas hoult, my current boycrush. he is also sort-of wearing a hoodie, which happens to be my favorite piece of clothing on anyone. and he is sort-of naked. so it's pretty awesome.

how about another for good measure

Day 8 is A Photo That Makes You Angry/Sad

I think this is my grandfather. I'm not sure.
Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010
2:51 pm
30 day meme-day 4
Day 4 is: "My Favorite Book."

Before I go into what it is, I just want to document this small event in my life. Because this is my journal after all.... I am finally going to be a published author. Nothing big or anything. But two of my short pieces were accepted today by two separate literary journals. It probably doesn't matter to anyone else but I'm excited!

but on to the meme:

I only have one this time!

coin locker babies

This is the only book I really enjoyed from Ryu Murakami (i guess the less well-known of the two literary Murakami's... or are there more?), but it infatuated me more than anything else ive ever read.

From "Publishers Weekly"

"Two mothers abandon their infant boys in the Yokohama train station's coin lockers. The reader is not spared the mechanics of packaging a child in a parcel, nor the grim details of any of the other episodes of discomfort and suffering which follow in incremental doses, though always with such whimsy that the reader wonders whether or not to be offended. The heroes, Kiku and Hashi, grow up together; but, beyond their bizarre beginnings, they couldn't be more different. Kiku becomes a homicidal pole-vaulter whose inner rage gives him unusual speed and strength, but which also fosters an obsession with murder and a secret drug that sets any creature into a killing frenzy. The more delicate Hashi strives to find his mother, supporting himself as a prostitute in Toxitown?a chemical disaster zone insulated from Tokyo by a wall and armed guards?until one of his johns discovers his musical talent and makes him a star. The settings seem lifted from Japanese animation epics: an abandoned mining town, an underwater tunnel and a retreat in the mountains."
Monday, March 1st, 2010
2:48 pm
30 Day Meme-Day 3
So I guess day 3 is "your favorite television program." But i havent had television for a year, so i dont know. a couple years ago it was metalocalypse... until i saw dethklok live. it was kind of bittersweet.

but i really loved this:

even though i saw it years after it aired and it was cancelled before the story could be resolved. still, it was beautiful and epic without too being too much of a gimmick.
Sunday, February 28th, 2010
10:11 am
30 Day Meme: Day 2
So today is "my favorite movie"

im sorry for picking more than one... again.

but i believe i have a tie for favorite movie.

first off is "ichi the killer." every time i watch this, i never quite come away with the feeling i believe it imparts, but hours or days later it starts to make its way into my head as something profound. i just love the idea behind it: kakihara, the sado-masochistic slave to a yakuza boss, is trying to track down his boss' kidnapper/killer in order to continue this love affair, which is purely an exchange of pain. he kills anyone in his way to get to the elusive ichi. somewhere along his path, kakihara starts to believe that ichi is the ultimate sadist and is really the only one who can fulfill his need for pain/love. but ichi just ends up being this fucked up, abused boy who's been exploited to kill based on some traumatic childhood past. extreme sex and violence are just metaphors for longing, and in the end, disappointment. its not a perfect movie, but i cant think of anything else like it.

my other favorite film is "happiness." nearly every scene in this film is brilliant. need i say more?

Saturday, February 27th, 2010
10:52 am
30 Day Meme- Day 1
I'm stealing this from 592311 cause it seems like a fun thing to do.

So... Day 1 is "your" favorite song

This seems like a fairly transient question (or whatever it is) so im going to post my favorite songs in three stages of my life.

The first coincides with my middle-school self. Age 12-14. This is arguably when I first really got into music. Tool is one of the most popular hard-rock acts for those of us who hit puberty towards the end of the 90's. Commercial enough to actually be heard on the radio, and yet interesting enough to spend hours on the internet deciphering the meanings behind lyrics and videos.... yeah, i was one of those fanatics for a bit. so here it is. Tool-Stinkfist

Then, when I was 15, I saw Converge play the pound in San Francisco. On accident. My friend and I got his parents to drive us two and a half hours to see a band that ended up cancelling. But we witnessed one of the most visceral and energetic live acts... ever. At least it seemed that way at the time. I bought the CD as soon as the set was over. It was the perfect soundtrack for a pissed off kid. And "the broken vow" provided a certain lyrical potency for youthful heartache. "I'll take my love to the grave"

Today, I don't know that I even have a favorite song. What I listen to changes constantly. But lately, I've been listening a lot to the new Doomriders album. It's more catchy, structured hardcore. The lyrics have the appropriate amount of angst, but its still uplifting= "got the heart of a lion, got the strength to survive."


Wednesday, February 17th, 2010
8:35 pm
artists behind the smut
im using this post as a shout-out for one of my friends, ben hoffman. i know a lot of people in adult get pegged as pornographer and nothing else. actually, im sure people in any job get pegged as "this" or "that." but when one takes the time to engage their talents outside their every day job, it never hurts to get some recognition every once in a while. and this guy deserves it.


every day (for a year), no matter what, hes doing a photo shoot to produce at least 1 fine art image hes proud of. theres some pretty cool stuff up there so far. check it out.
Sunday, February 14th, 2010
7:48 pm
valentine's day
i wake up an hour earlier than planned and play "words with friends" (a scrabble ap) on my iphone until my alarm goes off. my shower and breakfast are ordinary except im filled with a quiet dread: i agreed to fuck a woman in her mid-fifties, which sounds more awkward than terrible, but since its the second day in a row of doing this gig (and there are only two days, thank god), i now know its also terrible. or at least yesterday was terrible because the woman wouldnt stop giggling, laughing, disconnecting the entire time and calling herself a grandma and saying things like "fuck my hairy pussy," which was long, sparse, and gray. im told today will be better but still... quiet dread.

on set, i talk to the videographer who is the most redeeming quality of the whole situation. hes an aged punk rocker who used to protect gear for bands like dead kennedy's and tsol. he also seems to like me, which puts me at ease.

still, i dont watch the my co-star do her pretty girls because i want to keep an image of her in my head that isnt reality. it works, because i manage to get my erection quickly when it comes time for the scene. it might be because of her tits, which are huge and look good for her age. i realize theyre fake because each one is about as big as my head. but when i go to touch them, im still surprised. unlike a bag of water, or tightly stretched balloon, they feel more like a piece of ceramic... completely hard. the only soft tissue on the whole thing is the nipple which never stands erect and means she is somewhere so far in the back of her head that she cannot achieve physical arousal. this is all the more apparent because she keeps growling and breaking into her "whore character" every time the camera rolls, only to stop and look confused the minute someone yells cut. so i close my eyes the whole time and think of something dirty that actually keeps me hard and i keep pumping away like a machine. it takes about ten minutes of jerking off, pretending shes not there, to actually come. and i almost fuck it up when i open my eyes.

in the shower, i feel clean, refreshed, immediately better. someone will get off to this and at least i was well paid.

i stop at quiznos and have a sandwich while waiting for my friend and co-producer on an upcoming spec commercial to get off her shoot (a live taping of "the vagina monologues"). shes running late so i run home and jump into bed because im beginning to feel sick. my friend eventually calls and says we can push back our meeting til tomorrow. so i take some cold medicine, re-read some chapters of "american psycho" (to make myself feel better in that whatever misogyny ive conjured up today, it pales by comparison), and then go to the gym.

everyone in the weight room is male. they all look either extremely motivated or depressed. i start to laugh because the speakers start blasting "its raining men" and theres nothing but machismo seething across the floor.

afterwards, i eat a sandwich in front of the grass (mini-park) outside the "radio-korea" building. a large lit advertisement casts light through the trees, and it almost looks like the moon. i watch a group of teenage boys skateboarding in sleeveless shirts and tight pants, which turns me on more than anything else today. it makes me feel like a regular pervert because they look underage. and then they start smoking, which lessens the effect. at least theyre pretending to be 18.
Tuesday, February 9th, 2010
3:56 pm
My favorite thing on the internet right now: Die Antwoord
I think it might be a joke, but its a good one. And it should continue. I also have a crush on the blonde girl.


1:19 pm
I found this link posted on Eon McKai's twitter account:


its an article by Vice magazine founder, Gavin McInnes, on the problems with middle-class, un-abused, punk rock looking girls that do porn. Eon seemed to reference this part of the article: "You’re not supposed to get $100 to have sex on camera," which is basically to say that a lot of the suicide girls style stuff out there pays less because girls are under the impression it has artistic value or some shit. And maybe it does.

(I just want to point out that Eon has always advocated paying fair rates, and from my experience, paid me and every girl on his set well what they're worth)

To some degree I have to admit that I agree with McInnes. I'll use an example of my own to prove a point: Just the other day I was hanging out with some friends, one of which is fairly alty-looking (meaning excessive tattoos, huge plugs, non-traditional haircut, etc...) and works at a hair salon. She was theoretically toying with the idea of doing porn (let me stress that it was very theoretical and 99% chance it will never happen). Her reason for doing so was so that she could "afford to buy more shoes." theres nothing wrong with buying shoes. but i think it draws a parallel to McInnes point about the lazy, young roommates who did phone sex because they wanted a job where they didnt have to leave the house.

My point here is that alternative looking doesnt equate with alternative thinking. Most younger people these days who look like punks come from middle-class households where they can afford to look like such and still have the money to go to shows and pick up all the paraphenelia that makes them stand out. As McInnes pointed out, they still have plans to settle down and raise a family. So like the majority of porn girls who look like paris hilton is their role model, these girls want the same things but listen to metal and read Chuck Palahniuk.

i told my friend (the hairdresser) that she shouldnt do porn, and not because of any of the "shameful" reasons brought up. With her look, she would get booked maybe 5 times in the next year. financially speaking, it wouldnt be worth it. and for the girls that get booked more, if you dont have the right (alternative) mindset, my experience is that you cant cut it.

However, I would argue that Suicide Girl and similar pinup type sites are not porn. And although the girls make shit money, it seems it offers a sense of community. A lot of those girls meet up with each other and offer assistance when moving around the country or even the world. Its like any web-based community centered around sub-culture and youthful sexuality. to me, thats harmless.

porn is a different story. and while i support sex workers, i am not going to lie. it changes your relationship to sex. McInnes ex-gf has a point. after a while, it feels like swimming or playing a sport. im not gonna say whether most of us have had abusive childhoods. ive heard conflicting data, but theres no one out there right now doing extensive research (to my knowledge). but even those who have? is that to say theyre ruined? and a choice to do sex work is what? harmful? what about those who chose it as a means of self-exploration, a way to climb up the economic ladder, to fund their art, and maybe buy some shoes along the way? it seems that people who continue to do porn either feel they have no other choice, or they are "alternative" types of people. look at kimberly kane, sasha gray, belladonna, etc... with the (sort of) exception of belladonna, these aren't heavily inked, punk rock looking people. but theyre successful at mainstream porn and still at the forefront of the alternative aesthetic. even eon mckai, who pretty much coined "alt porn," is more DIY mentality than hipster persona.

look, theres always a scene based on ideals that hardly anyone lives by day-to-day. someone will come around and commodify the look. and just because a new generation of girls decide to get naked on the internet for a $100 doesnt make them ruined, bitter people. most of them wont do porn anyways, because they see a distinction between nude modeling and getting fucked for money. and even the girls who do, most of them are so fucking picky about it i wouldnt call them sex workers. if you only fuck your boyfriend or your hottest pornstar crush on camera, youre not a sex worker. its like straight girls kissing each other in dorm rooms. youre curious and want attention... and money. and so what? its lonely hipster straight men who define you as a slut and a whore and whatever else... all in a negative light.

so yes, if someone is making money off you, i agree you should be paid, and paid fairly. but to say most hipster pinup models are destroying their sexuality is nonsense because most of them do something else for a living, and pornography is not any significant part of their lives. and if you get bitter, maybe its because of your motivation. McInnes friends who were lazy and didnt want to leave the house for a real job... well, maybe they got bitter because the idea that they were worthless whores rang true. but a lazy, unmotivated person will be a worthless whore in any industry they work in. behind an office desk or in front of the camera, if all you want in life is a new pair of shoes, youre just as much of a whore for settling down with a rich guy who will buy you what you want. id much rather pay my respects to someone like madison young who will get fucked in the ass as much as it takes to get her art gallery of the ground, and then continue to make pornography she finds arousing and fulfilling. she is a true alternative person. which, when it comes down to it, just means shes motivated and knows what she wants.

the problem with hipster porn is hipsters, not porn.
Friday, February 5th, 2010
10:06 am
micro-fame rises 1 point
so ive been popping up occasionally on the internet. not excessive but i thought i might as well document this:

my first interview based on my porn persona (sorry its written like i talk which sometimes isnt grammatically or logically sound):

and some message board talking about pornstars people knew growing up (scroll down til u see my pic... i dont know who this guy is but im guessing he went to UCSC)

favorite quote:

"I swear I saw this guy at a Phobia show, same plugs/hair etc. Not positive, but I think it could have been. I just couldn't stop staring at this dude thinking, 'Jesus, is that the guy that fucked Dana Dearmond?'"

in any case, nothing radically new has happened. just working steadily on several projects and still performing to pay the bills.
Friday, January 1st, 2010
10:31 am
stolen from mr. fjerstad
so its 2010 and i just woke up a bit ago, so im gonna start the new year like its 2001 and do a little surveying :)

1) Was 2009 a good year for you?
Its had its ups and downs but i think its ended fairly well.

2) What was your favorite moment of the year?
Hmmm... I'm not really sure, but I did graduate and that
seems like it should be a bigger deal than what it felt at the time.

3) What was your least favorite moment of the year?
Eh... probably some shit surrounding the end of my last relationship.

4) Where were you when 2009 began?
Probably in Highland Park watching a movie or something.

5) Who were you with?
I think with my ex. I honestly dont remember what was going on.

6) Where will you be when 2009 ends?
Its already happened but I was at Zak and Mandys (Kimberly was also there) and we were watching the sword in the stone, but more just talking and hanging out on their bed while zak rearranged the apartment for D&D matches.

7) Who will you be with when 2009 ends?
zak, mandy, and kimberly

8) Did you keep your new years resolution of 2009?
i dont remember what it was. im gonna say it was to graduate... so yes, i did.

9) Do you have a new years resolution for 2010?
i want to start a band, maybe play a few shows. find a publisher for my first book. finish a couple commercials and hopefully sell them. basically set the groundwork for "life after porn."

10) Did you fall in love in 2009?
cant say that i have

11) If yes, with who?

12) If yes, do they know?
oh yes, no one knows

13) Are you still in love with them?
so much about love.

14) You regret it?
do i regret not falling in love? not really

15) Did you breakup with anyone in 2009?
yes. and i think i should probably not start a new "relationship" in 2010

16) Did you make any new friends in 2009?
yeah. i knew zak, mandy, and kimberly before 2009 but i think i became friends with them this year. also became friends with chad and sarah. and the SA from my film history class, austin.

17) Who are your favorite new friends?
they are all pretty cool people. thats why im friends with them.

18) What was your favorite month of 2009?
october and december

19) Did you travel outside of the US in 2009?
no i did not

20) How many different states did you travel to in 2009?
from southern california all the way to northern california... so california

21) Did you lose anybody close to you in 2009?
no, thank god

22) Did you miss anybody in the past year?

23) What was your favorite movie that you saw in 2009?
this is a tough one... antichrist, martyrs, and the road were the most intense movies i watched this year, which usually means "favorite" for me. but i might go with "the cove" as it is one of the best and truly activist documentaries ive ever seen.

24) What was your favorite song from 2009?
this is a weird choice but i love it
"wretched world" by converge featuring members of genghis tron and cave in

25) What was your favorite album from 2009?
"axe to fall" by converge or jay brannan's cover album

26) How many concerts did you see in 2009?
not that many. a few local grind shows, some industrial bands, and some metal shows. my favorite performance was from wolves in the throneroom. most ironic was seeing dethklok.

27) Did you have a favorite concert in 2009?
wolves in the throneroom (with fetus eaters playing on the second stage)

28) Did you drink a lot of alcohol in 2009?
almost none. i had some sake in an oyster shooter that someone gave me.

29) Did you do a lot of drugs in 2009?
i took some norco in the days following my wisdom teeth extraction. thats it.

30) How many people did you sleep with in 2009?
a lot of people for money. for free? probably around 6

31) Did you do anything you are ashamed of this year?
ive probably been a little shit every once in a while, but nothing too outrageous

33) What was the worst lie someone told you in 2009?
i dont know. no one has betrayed me or anything.

34) Did you treat somebody badly in 2009?
i know i treated my ex badly, but it was mutual shittiness towards one another. i have also pulled my passive agressive act with a few people, but not to any great extent.

35) Did somebody treat you badly in 2009?
yes, but ill get over it.

36) How much money did you spend in 2009?
i was pretty broke the first half of 2009. ive been trying to save lately, but i probably spend more than i should sometimes.

37) What was your proudest moment of 2009?
graduating or finishing my book

38) What was your most embarrassing moment of 2009?
bombing a scene on ben's set

39) If you could go back in time to any moment of 2009 and change something, what would it be?
there were definitely unpleasant parts but i think it went down the way it should have

40) What are your plans for 2010?
this is the year of transition. hopefully. so im going to transition.
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