school and the end
i finished finals for this past semester last week (or was it the week before). i have one more to go. already the questions are pouring in. "what do you want to do?" or more importantly, "what are you going to do?" all these are meant to coincide with, "after graduation."

well, ive sort of been telling people i want to start my transition out of porn around the time i get out of school, but that really suggests that i want a real job. which, when i really think about it, i kind of dont. higher level positions in the "legitimate" film industry don't really count as "real" jobs, but those aren't positions you can really apply for, or find yourself in immediately after school. so im pondering this question, given that ive learned no real practical skill in college. after all, i chose to study the arts which means i can now write and criticize and talk about this ideology i would like to disseminate among some portions of the population, knowing full well it wont do much in terms of changing peoples minds about anything. but it still sounds good when i talk to other people in the same boat, other "artists," generally students like myself who are overtly critical of popular culture although we all love to consume it.

so i guess i should really finish the book ive been working on forever. thats kind of my goal this summer, although it was my goal this past semester. hah. at least ive been working on it these past couple weeks which means i have regained the initiative. if i do porn and am a writer, at least im producing something. because god knows people wont take me seriously otherwise. i have the benefit of the doubt now because im in college. but immediately after i graduate, if theres no transition, there seems to be this looming idea that ive failed to enter the "real world."

but hmmm... i feel like i should want to get a job in the film industry as a gaffer or grip or work my way up the production ladder starting as a PA. oh, but these all sound so terrible and they would ultimately describe my academic experience as having gone through a trade school.

anyways, jobs are "so last century." the economy sucks. no one i know really seems to work full time at anything. and if they do, its because theyre struggling at their art. or if theyre not struggling, its at least been put on the backburner. why do we all want to be artists? i dont know. im certainly one that would love to portray myself as such.

in any case, im ready for school to end. just not ready for the societal pressures that go along with that.

as for the porn, this week seems to be going well. been banging out scenes most every day except today. tristan taormino cast me twice for last minute scenes, both of which were a lot of fun. though the latter of the two came after a particularly long day for everyone. the scenes before us were apparently not so successful.

so i guess this is really my last summer. after this, i will no longer be a student (definitely not going to grad school... actually, im not going to promise anything. i change my mind too much as it is). but i guess there should be some grand culmination. or i should just relax. i guess i should worry less about this whole job thing and just try to lead an interesting existence. it seems to be working so far. or maybe not?