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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in
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| Monday, October 26th, 2009 | | 10:02 pm |
ch-ch-ch-changes
over the past week, i turned 24. not usually the most looked-forward to or celebrated of birthdays. it doesnt mark any real right of passage or end of a decade of life. and certainly on the day of such a birthday, i didnt treat it with any real significance. i went to work, studied for my linguistics class, and watched a friend's cats while she was out of town. but in the days that followed, it seemed that my experiences would help me reflect on the changes that have taken place and are soon to come. one such event was a wedding between my friends vanessa and nathaniel, the first wedding of any in my peer group (or at least those that i grew up with). as a child, marriage was something i believed that "adults" engaged in, and as a teenager, something only the conservative minded ever considered. but sitting in one of the oldest churches in northern california, watching friends beam with love and excitement at the alter, i considered something else: that idealism plus action is what drives the world, or at least the people in it, towards a better place. marriage is just that: an ideal of love, of family, or whatever it means to two people who attempt to unite their lives. whether i agree with social/political ramifications is not in the slightest relevant to the fact that those two people have chosen action on behalf of their ideals. and that is something i respect. it got me thinking about about my life, my ideals. im about to graduate school, the longest running goal and institution i have taken part in. what is the next step, the path towards the ideal life i would like to live? i admit to late nights, contemplating, being scared half to death of what it means to be human, fragile, fleeting, and potentially meaningless. my academic studies, my works of art, dealing with sexuality, media, and subculture... what exactly is the point? the past days, months, years, some relationships and experiences put on the sidelines for money or personal accomplishment, and yet there is something important, tangible and necessary to about feeling accomplished. it is not much to some, and maybe a big deal to others. it puts me in a place within the world, gives me a background, a clout to discuss with friends and colleagues. it may not have mattered when i danced til 4am with my childhood friends in a small duplex livingroom, or hugged the bride and groom. but is experience non-the-less. and while discussing the lives of all my peers, we learned that none of us had yet saved the world or gone on to fame and fortune. were all just figuring it out. so any honest decision is a step towards our own ideals. oh, and... i did a shoot for meninpain (now divinebitches.com) today. it will be my last of my "submissive" scenes for my pornographic career. at least for a while. i think i needed to make an honest decision and try not to do things just because others want me to. it was a four-year journey that taught me a lot about my personality, sexuality, and physical catharsis. but my body has grown, my psychology changed, and i believe that fact that i have become more confident and sure of myself has removed any desire to physically submit myself or be verbally humiliated for the purpose of experimentation, self-enhancement, or growth. in fact, now it has quite the opposite effect. negative energy, even when in a consensual and safe environment, is perceived not as role-play, but just negative. in essence, if you talk shit to me while flogging my back and fucking my ass, i will flip you off, call you a cunt, tell you im going to murder your ass, and do my best to rip the cane out of your hands and head butt you in the fucking face. and if you further dominate me so that i have no more control... i will probably cry. so i think im done with that. hah. but afterwards i will apologize. after all, you were probably just doing your job. | | Friday, September 18th, 2009 | | 9:14 pm |
first step done!!!
this really doesnt have much relevance to anyone else but me... at least right now. but i just finished the first draft of a novel ive been working on for about three years (on and off). feels nice to have that out of the way. now gonna set that aside for a minute before i hit the rewrites and book proposal. now for that fucking screenplay in my head.... i sound like such a LA stereotype. haha. | | Monday, September 14th, 2009 | | 2:39 pm |
intensity 5000
this past week or so i have: ran into my (ex?)girlfriend on set, had intense conversations, cried, made amends, been visited by one of my best friends, went to a festival to see one of my all-time favorite bands (converge) and dillinger escape plan, learned the basics of EQing by a friendly porno director, gone to school, flown to san francisco to get dominated and fucked by another one of my best friends girlfriends, been photographed in a faux marriage with said best friends girlfriend, gone back to school, flown to miami, driven to fort lauderale, kicked off a location on the beach, shot a porno in a hotel room, had to stop in the middle of a scene to decompress in the midst of verbal humiliation so i wouldnt punch my co-talent in the face, eaten dinner on top of the fort lauderdale hilton hotel while watching the rain pour into the atlantic ocean, shot another porno in a studio, flown back to LAX, and started the last chapter of my book which really needs to get fucking finished. ive also done many other things. lets do it again, kids. some day ill have stories to tell. | | Saturday, August 29th, 2009 | | 12:35 pm |
2 sides to every coin
it seems my last few posts have emphasized my feeling of burn-out associated with the particular industry i work in. but every so often, a few days go by where i feel like: "yeah, this isnt so bad. i might even be able to do it forever." this thought process really has more to do with being around good people than actually working, but whatever. it will come and go, and i know that. its still nice to recount some good stuff, even if it isnt that spectacular. so yesterday i was doing a simple BJ scene with a girl named london keyes and my newish friend, rocco reed. rocco and i havent really hung out outside of work, but we seem to have some repoire whenever we run into each other. so after taking turns popping on this girls face, i offered to drive him home. and he opted to take us out for sushi at this nice little restaurant near santa monica blvd. its always interesting to hear how people got into this industry. apparently, rocco used to be a mainstream model and has worked for companies like guess, christian audigier, etc... like he was on billboards and all of that. then he took up an offer to do porn and got fired by his agent. but hes made a good run of it. im pretty sure he works more than any other young guy in the biz. and whats more, he enjoys it. anyways, we talked about various things and i actually got along with the guy. he lives like 3 miles from me too. says his apartment complex has a pool in which models and actresses congregate on a regular basis. doesnt sound so bad. i dropped him off there, went home to shower and read some of my new film theory book because im now back in school and have to read such things (i actually dont think its a film theory book. but its for a film theory class. its more of a history lesson in post-war cinema. this has nothing to do with my post). last night i ended up at another sushi restaurant, something that looks more like a palace. it sits atop in a hill above the magic castle in hollywood. its called yamashiro and its one of those expensive tourist traps with a beautiful view. its also the place kimberly kane decided to have her birthday dinner. so i sat down with kimberly, her bf dennis, her friend and cinematographer (she does a lot of industrial and metal videos) agata, sasha gray, this guy from avn(i always forget his name), katja kassin, etc.. there were a good 12 people there. i was sitting opposite katja and sasha, and between avn guy and agata. again, dont really need to go into the conversations we had but it was an all-over fun night. kimberly looked like she enjoyed herself. and we all had a group photo (like in grade school or prison) overlooking hollywood. good times, good times. so yeah. point being... with vin and andy, and all these other cool cats. porno people dont have to be so bad. hah. | | Saturday, August 22nd, 2009 | | 9:50 pm |
it doesnt take much to wipe me out
about a week of little sleep and im done for, finished. its been an interesting several days of plane flights, new sights but no time to see them, long days and shorts nights, different time zones, memorizations of pornographic scripts sent to me the day before im supposed to know 15 pages of dialog. napping with my ears open in makeup rooms where naked people pass in and out. some of them i know. some of them i fucked. some of them are strangers i will never see again. at the end of it, approaching the end of an 18 hour day, i receive a phone call that im booked again the following morning for a director i actually hate. it will surely be a long day, and a stressful one on top of that. so i cancel. my agent gets a little upset but at the end of the day, id rather cancel somewhat in advance rather than bomb the whole thing... you know, sit on set with an angry director while i mindlessly jerk my limp penis and think about sleeping. so i slept some friday, got back into the routine of actually taking care of my body. ran some errands to get ready for school next week. today i got to hang out with some friends, write, exercise, and now im ready for sleep again. going to help some people move in the morning. i wonder if some day i might move back to a place where it doesnt feel like im always running out of time. oh well. i asked for it. | | Tuesday, August 18th, 2009 | | 8:25 pm |
New York
So a couple days ago i found out i was going to new york to shoot a couple scenes for a new content provider for Naughty America. i havent been since my awkward 8th grade end-of-the-year field trip in which we were just escorted around to various museums and tourist attractions. so i was pretty excited. bummer part is that i arrived monday night, worked all day today (tuesday), and have to fly back in the morning. so even though im staying in this swanky little hotel on the lower east side with a great view of the city, i basically didnt get to do anything "new york" while here. oh well. i did meet a bunch of ecletic people on the porno shooting crew. the first location was this photographer girl's apartment. super small. super hot. the girl and i must have sweated off our entire water weight. it was like sauna arobics. and then i had to do another scene at this really cool metal bar where bands like deicide and 1349 play. its called Duffs. the owner gave me a shirt that says something like "Duffs Alcohol Abuse Center." i wore it to dinner tonight with my sister at this place where i spent about $100 bucks for some weak side dishes and a plate of two sausages. this entry could have been filled with many more details but i am so fucking tired from working and being on a different time zone schedule that im about to pass out. so thats all you get. back to LA bright and early. gotta work all day on thursday. | | Tuesday, August 11th, 2009 | | 7:23 pm |
porno brothers
so today was my first day back at work and it was really good. i was getting pretty stressed out over a number of things right before i left for my vacation (which was mentioned in a previous entry). but i came back and got to work with a really fun girl. lots of positive, intense sexual energy. after a week of abstinence that wasnt so bad. my new friends, andy san dimas and vin vericose, also just moved to the los angeles area. as andy is hot and a girl she doesnt really have much trouble getting work but ive been trying to refer vin to a number of companies to see if he might be able to get some himself. hes done a handful of solid scenes, but is still new, and im aware how hard it is to break into straight porn as a guy. anyways, i picked up vin after running some errands this morning and we headed over to bluebird studios as i was working and wanted to introduce him to the casting agents there. the funny thing was everyone said we looked like brothers. which is kind of true. we have similar facial features, similar colored hair, and happened to be wearing almost the exact same thing (jeans, black shoes, and a gray shirt). only he has much longer hair than i do. anyways, its kind of uncanny how similar our interests were growing up, as well as right now. obviously, we are also different and unique people, but we both played in metal bands growing up, both at least went to a bit of film school, and now are doing porn (to name a few things). so if people keep saying we look similar, i think we should do tagteam sibling porn. it will be like a buddy cop movie/porno, but instead of cops were just brothers who bang girls. i havent run that by him though. or anybody else. ah... anyways, i have a super early call time tomorrow so im gonna go do some stuff before bed. p.s. for all you terry gilliam fans, check this out: http://www.imaginariumofdrparnassus.com/ | | Monday, August 10th, 2009 | | 8:57 pm |
| | 8:45 pm |
to our friends in the great white north
im sitting on my mother's couch in auburn, california, waiting for her to get off work and take me to the airport. since this is pretty much the end of my "vacation" i thought i might as well recount how it went. i stayed away from the internet (for the most part) until the last day or so. now its time to get back to LA and do the thing i call my life. so i arrived at sacramento int'l last monday. my mom picked me up and we ate lunch at some little mexican resaurant and drove back to her place. she "got into" real estate right before the housing market crashed and so ended up with three houses that she cant sell. so to save money, shes not only renting out the houses she doesnt live in, but renting out the rooms in the one she does. so i met a nice man named marcel from germany. his soon-to-be ex-wife convinced him to quit his job and move to auburn so she could get a job teaching. soon after, she decided to divorce him. so hes having a bit of a rough time and living in my brother's old room. the room i would have lived in if i was still living with my mother when she bought this house is now rented by a woman who is also having marital difficulties. but she has a history with my mother and seems to be a nice enough person. anyways, my little brother, dre (andreas), came over with his girlfriend, genevieve. theyre really cute together and im amazed theyre still sticking it out. i think its been two years or so. theyre kind of clean neo-hippie types and they live in truckee with a couple of other kids in a cabin-looking house. they had driven all the way from fort bragg just to have dinner with my mother and me. because genevieve's primary source of income comes from taking care of three young children. the children's parents happened to be taking a vacation in fort bragg and so she was asked to come along (with my brother) and tend to the kids when the parents were doing "parent" things. still sounds like they had a lot of fun because they went ocean kayaking and diving for abalone and such. but they also wiped a lot of little kid's dirty butts. the latter seems to be working as a form of mental birth control for the two of them. so the next morning i went to breakfast with my mom and afterwards, she drove me to my father's house in nevada city. he still lives up on banner mountain with his wife and two golden retrievers. they actually have a pretty cool setup. they grow most of their own vegetables and get a good deal of their power from solar panels on their roof. in any case, none of my friends were immediately available so i went with my step-mom, victoria, to the gym and by the time we were done, one of my really close friends from high school had gotten off work. his name is nick. i drove down to meet nick at his new place, which is probably the most economical living situation i have witnessed among kids my age. hes basically sharing a three bedroom duplex with two other people. because the house in foreclosure and the mortgage is worth about twice as much as its worth, the owner has given up hope and is renting the whole thing out for $450 a month. this means my friend is paying $150 for his share of the spacious, two story apartment/house. anyways, nick seems to be doing really well and in some ways, despite having lost daily communication, we have ended up progressing at the same rate in different tastes and thought processes. for example, we both were really into metal/hardcore as kids. and now we both listen to much more grind/goregrind and electronic music. from our conversations, we also seem to be undergoing our own forms of existential crisis and hold similar political stances... though i must admit he gives much more clout to the conspiracy theorists of the world. perhaps hes right, but im still not too convinced FEMA is planning to imprison or kill off 90% of the population at some point in the near future. i dont think he is either, but he considers it a realistic possibility. anyways, the next morning i met up with my friend vanessa, who is actually going to be married in october (this is still a bit of a mindfuck for me, but i am being as supportive as possible). i got to meet her little sister and hang out with her fiance as well (i knew her fiance from school but we were never that close... but he seems like a really good guy). her sister, on the other hand... hah. she is also a really cool little girl (when i say little i mean 18), and totally cute (shes kind of exactly the type i make up in my head... complete feminine looks but dresses like a boy and wears lots of american apparel... except shes apparently into old dudes). but at a couple points she completely weirded me out (not necessarily in a bad way). apparently, she was and still is a fan of the "mailbag" videos dana and i used to do together. if you dont know what that is, its basically when my ex-girfriend would read all the crazy myspace email she received on a regular basis. she got the idea to have me film her while she read them outloud and made little comments. they eventually evolved into something else, in which i played a larger role (it was still centered around dana), but i digress... the thing is: vanessa's sister, natalie, actually memorized a bunch of the videos. you have no idea how weird it is for someone you've never met to recite pieces of your own life back to you. but vanessa, natalie, the fiance (nathaniel), and i all went down the yuba river, which was beautiful and relaxing and completely what i needed. we hiked out relatively far so there werent too many people... only a couple of naked hippies, one of which took a picture of us... that was sort of sketch but not too big of a deal. the point is it was really fucking great to see vanessa. i love her energy and despite seeing her so rarely, we seem to get along just fine. when we got back to her house, though, she had family friends over for dinner and so i took off. my other really good friend from high school (actually we met as toddlers), corey, was also supposed to hang out with me. hes had some harsh shit go down in his life over the past couple years and i think has been dealing with that emotionally ever since. so when i called and his cell phone was disconnected, i thought maybe he was just hibernating and didnt want to see anybody. but i ran into his little brother at an indoor soccer place and asked for his mom's phone number. i got corey's address from her, and then called up nick to see if he wanted to go on a little adventure and see if we could track down our friend. we ended up somewhere in roseville that evening and parked in the driveway of an empty house that looked like it was for sale. discouraged, we looked back at the address i had written down and found that it was not the same one in the GPS. corey actually lived down the street and was pulling up when we got there. so we found the little fucker and ended up having a really late night full of conversation and driving around blasting animosity and other deathy metal stuff (all the time in search of food). so i got to bed around 4 in the morning and then woke up to have coffee with vanessa and her sister to say goodbye. that evening i met up with my little brother, dre, once more. we ended up in grass valley at a street fair (there are so many young hipster kids wandering around my hometown now... weird) and then congregated with a bunch of old friends/acquaintances at this little folk rock show at some music cafe. jesse, the other guitarist and vocalist from one of my first bands was there, and it was really great to see him. after the show i drove to truckee with my brother and his girlfriend. the next morning i met his roommates and watched my brother play alot of FIFA soccer on his xbox, and then we went for a run, which at 6,700 feet elevation made me almost keel over. i am not used to that level of oxygen in the air. note: i did not finish this entry in time so now i am back in my apartment in korea town. so where did i leave off? oh yeah... my brother drove me from his place to my grandparent's cabin in lake tahoe for a family reunion dinner. my ancestors on my grandfathers side were irish immigrants who were some of the first white people to settle in lake tahoe. way back in the day they purchased all of Meek's Bay and the surrounding 650 acres of land for $250. they were cattle ranchers. their descendents ended up selling most of it for barrels of butter. but my grandparents were able to inherit a cabin at the end of it. so a bunch of my extended family that come from that family tree got together in lake tahoe to celebrate our togetherness or something. i must say there are a lot of us. a bunch of people were there that i have never met. the weird thing is now a bunch of the cousins that are my age or slightly younger are married or have kids or both. all this marrying and child rearing is making me feel old. well, the following day was more of that reunion. i went swimming in the lake and talked briefly to a bunch of relatives... more so to my uncle steve who is a lawyer in petaluma. he always tells me the same story about writing a law and order style screenplay a while back that wasnt any good. but he also talks a lot about human rights activism and so we kick around ideas in that realm of thought. i also met my recently divorced aunt's new boyfriend. hes a fifty-something metalhead from the bay area. hes a sweet guy but super dorky. he put me in his truck to blast the new exodus album and his own solo metal project, which is not that great in my opinion but at least hes trying. i guess he ended up causing some drama with my grandma. im not exactly sure over what but i assume its his teenage-like drive to consciously stay in the minority, as if part of his identity is entrenched in the idea of being discriminated against for really strange reasons. example: whoever organized the event made blue t-shirts for the family to wear so that people could identify who was who. also there was a picture with all of us and maybe they wanted everyone to look like a team. anyways, this guy said something to the effect of "oh man, i better wear this blue t-shirt or else everyone's gonna be like 'whos that guy that looks like a heavy metal musician on the beach?' theyre gonna wanna kick me off or arrest me or something." just to let you know, he was wearing a black quicksilver shirt and a baseball hat. umm... so after the reunion i went back to my brothers house. we played halo 3 with my mom's roommate, marcel. and i got food poisoning and kept shitting in the middle of the night and probably waking everyone up by flushing the toilet constantly. my brother and his girlfriend played soccer in the morning and i stayed in bed to read and write. the last night i went back to my mothers. she said a friend of hers, who is the mother of a really old friend of mine from like 5th grade, invited us over for dinner. i thought it would be cool to see my old friend. her name is grace. apparently, she lives in san diego now and goes to radiology school. she turned out to be a beautiful girl, but i was kind of taken a back by a lot of the things she said. so i ended up being pretty quiet. everything she talked about basically revolved around her church's youth group, complaining about the mexican population in southern california, and her crazy russian roommate (who is a fullbright scholar). at least the dinner was alright. well, thats it for the short version which is already pretty long for live journal. so i guess ill stop there. | | Monday, August 3rd, 2009 | | 12:21 am |
hide and seek
i was hiding from the internet and real life for about 2 weeks. something about the way work was going... steady (which is normally good)... was beginning to stress me out in more than just a physical way. maybe on a very basic level i went from super relaxed, always horny, productive, lots of recreation to .... wanting to crawl in a hole and not speak to anyone, definitely not have sex with anyone unless im going to get a paycheck, and feeling like i was going to cry from just about anything. i have no idea what that was about. perhaps male PMS or something. but ive had yesterday and today off and i did this strange ritual at nordstrom's that i attempt every several months if i actually have money... which is to ask this nice young man who works there what he thinks would look good on me. he picks things out and looks at me after i try each one of them on, and then i only buy like one or two items and i hope he gets a comission or something. it makes me feel like a pretty lady. then i watch a film by myself (500 days of summer... joseph gordon levitt is way too cute for that girl anyways. good riddance). today i wrote with my friend in a coffee shop and talked about spirituality or lack thereof. hes going to meditation classes with these girls he works with. its calming him down. i said id like to attend one. then we wrote for a few hours and went to a screening of the hungarian film, taxidermia, at our school. its the second time ive seen it, but it was no less profound. back when i played in a band, if i would see a really great act come through town it would make me feel really great, invigorated even, but also somewhat sad that i probalby would never achieve that level of craft. or if i would, the point at which it would happen would be so far away. thats the way i feel after watching taxidermia. anyways, the point is im feeling much better... in general. no longer collapsing internally. im leaving to my home town, grass valley/nevada city, tomorrow morning and will be staying there for about a week. im also visiting lake tahoe for a family reunion thing with all the extended famiy on my mom's side. it should be fun. as much as i hated living in grass valley when i was a kid, im definitely feeling a need to go back into the woods and bathe in the river and get the fuck out of LA for a minute. something about the place you grow up in seems to stay in your blood. lets see if i actually feel this way when i get there. it may just be a mythologized past. but i want to see my old friends and pretend were 15 again... except for all the drugs and self-loathing. but we can still hate the rest of the world. im down for that. hah. | | Monday, July 20th, 2009 | | 5:17 pm |
exhausted
sooo... the past three days have been good and fucking strenuous and sometimes fun. on friday i got to attend a screening of some short films for the los angeles OUTfest. the finale was a piece called "Weak Species," directed by a fellow USC student Dan Faltz. it is also based loosely on works by Dennis Cooper (i guess its more of the subject matter than any particular book). i would just like to say that if you have an opportunity to check this out, please do. and keep an eye out for Dan Faltz. dare i say the best thing ive ever seen come out of USC (i dont mean purely from a technical level... but its just a wonderful black comedy on stoned adolescent homosexuals who end up finding violence as a way to connect... and i actually saw someone pass out from a scene in this movie... i always thought that was hype when people say things like this: "it caused someone to pass out"... well someone actually ran out and fell over flat in the lobby). the next morning i got up bright and early to get painted in blue full body latex paint by gia paloma at her and tommy pistol's house. (btw, their 1 year old son is soooooo cute and one of the happiest little kids ive met). the reason for this is that i would be doing 2 days worth of kama sutra positions with this really adorable girl named katy st ives for an art piece directed by andrew van den houten. i guess the finished product will be some installation piece in which various screens mixed with a giant painting will feature us doing these positions and if you wear 3D glasses, we will appear in 3D. the first day we went to the beach and some forest that i didnt know existed in the los angeles area. the second day we started in a studio and then drove 2.5+ hours to joshua tree to finish up. while this might not seem like a grueling task, being covered head-to-toe in latex (which you cant take off) for more than 12 hours at a time while youre skin cant sweat or breath really and then required to hold crazy ass sex positions (not actual intercourse) for minutes at a time in the glaring summer heat is extremely physically taxing. thankfully, my co-talent and small crew were great to be around. otherwise i probably would have tapped out. today my scene got cancelled which im actually happy about. went to the gym, got more exhausted. now im sort of taking it easy. | | Thursday, July 16th, 2009 | | 9:50 am |
Martyrs
this really isnt a post about doing anything specifically... except in a very passive way. like watching a movie. i just want to ask people if theyve seen this film called Martyrs.... i know this has already been hyped on the internet quite a bit... but holy fucking shit. i remember when the first Saw movie came out after being hyped as one of the most violent movies ever, and me waiting in line on opening day all excited (jeff, werent you there?). and then afterwards thinking that was the worst piece of shit, tame horror movie. if i had instead sat down to watch Martyrs that day i would have been fucking floored, and gone on to have nightmares for a week. since then, ive become a bit more desensitized (thanks internet!) so maybe no nightmares (except i did wake up with a certain image in my head and it didnt make me feel nice), but yeah... i dont really know what to say. theres some pretty pretentious, non-sensical philosophy that ties up the movie with a Rosemary's baby type "old people cult conspiracy" plot. in spite of that, its still goes from one of the most badass revenge films to one of the most uncomfortable flicks ive ever sat through (without being sexually sadistic like irreversible or something like that). so bravo? | | Monday, July 13th, 2009 | | 11:57 am |
why
"Norwegian black metal is completely unbalanced – that is why it is so compelling and powerful. It is the sound of utter torment, believing to one’s core that that winter will never end, that spring will never come. It is really music that can only be made by bitter and rage-filled teenagers. It is powerful and important to have these kinds of feelings of deep misanthropy and misery while one comes of age, because our age is sick. I don’t think, for instance, that a 35-year old man could make a record as great and pure as Filosofem. BM is about destruction, destroying your belief system – it is a cleansing fire that opens up new possibilities for thought and feeling. In many ways, it is a first step, not the alpha and omega." i think one of the things i dont like about LA, or more realistically, miss about my hometown is that i really havent found anyone i identify with musically. or i havent found anyone with the same relationship to music. all those kids (nick, corey, gavin, etc...) that i used to go to shows with, and primarily metal shows, on a regular basis are all living somewhere else. one of my closest friends lives here but he grew up in the techno/industrial/electronica scene, and has been great at exposing me to that, but his experience of the concerts i take him to is like that of a cultural anthropologist. it has no personal significance. i asked someone recently if he was into death/black metal or hardcore or any of the new variations on those. he said he used to listen to slayer and metallica (im aware they are neither death, black, or hardcore) but just wasnt angry anymore. i was thinking, first, that metal doesnt really have to do with being angry, but in some way maybe it does. and then i thought, why arent you angry still? i mean all these subcultural music trends are reactionary in some way, and have aesthetically become harsh because there was something in the world that brought out that intensity. i mean, it i think it is somewhat inherent in youth, questioning belief-systems, establishing identity, etc... but once one grows older, i dont know. i guess im still relatively young, but its been over 10 years since i got into some variation of extreme metal. and i think now my ideology is just less vague, the gaps filled in with details about why i believe a certain way. but the world has not become a better place in those ten years. if anything, its became worse. i mean my country went to war when i was fifteen and is still in the midst of it. and that war has been rationalized primarily by people touting religious principles (or hysteria) of fighting evil. there may be a feeling of helplessness about what to with the problems of the world, but how can anyone really not feel angry? is it consumerism? i mean thats always a blanket anarcho-punk answer. and i guess it has some validity. the times in my life that ive had more money, ive definitely been more distracted from being productive, from lending an ear to the constant noise of injustice that is the backdrop of our society, but perhaps not entirely. anyways, i guess the point of this post is really that last night i went to a show by myself, kind of disappointed that everyone i called made an excuse that they couldnt go or just werent into it, and maybe it was because those people all had something more important to do. maybe not. but after raging with the hulking, long-haired beasts in front of wolves in the throneroom's aural assault, and then running towards the next stage to get hit in the head during the 45 second song called "the bible is hearsay," by the fetus eaters, i felt invigorated, at home, and a little bit more pissed off. because, as the dread-locked grindcore vocalist said to no one in particular, "youre the sucker. youre the one that paid to get into this show," i thought its fucked up that youre right but im going to keep paying to be a part of this community until i find my way back to them. edit: okay, zak smit/sabbath and mandy morbid do live in LA and we all like a lot of the same music though zak's from a slightly older generation (mandy is pretty much my age) and so knows about some older stuff than me (i guess this can be said for eon mckai... though mckai doesnt seem to be into the new stuff). but last night, zak was flying somewhere to do a book reading, and the last time we were gonna go to a show i was eating meatballs at the "syphillis" party because i wanted to hang out w/ vin vericose and andy san dimas who were only in town for a couple days. vin and andy also like metal but they dont live here yet. | | Wednesday, July 8th, 2009 | | 9:51 am |
days
im back on a jay brannan kick because he just released a new album (mostly of cover songs). but theres a couple originals. they are good. his voice is literally one of the most beautiful ive ever heard. anyways, my dad rolled into town on sunday night with his wife, who i guess is my step mom. anyone who actually knows me is probably aware of my past tenuous relationship with my father. those who dont, well, you dont really need to. at this point in life, i get along okay with my dad (who would prefer i call him papa because hes from germany). we have a long-distance relationship which works best. he lives up on a mountain in nevada city, california, and rarely leaves the house. he is a chiropractic neurologist and overall practicioner of alternative and preventative health. hes good at what he does but not at promoting himself or his work. this is basically because hes not good at dealing with people, nor has he ever been. but right now, hes well-meaning and mostly harmless. still, hes the kind of guy that will bring his own light bulbs to a hotel room because the mercury in flourescent lights supposedly gives off toxic lightwaves. he has a cell phone but doesnt turn it on except to call someone from the road. and he wont get wireless internet in his home because of the influence on the brain. so they booked a hotel in west hollywood and i drove out to walk them down sunset and eat at a little place called... well, im not really sure because i dont ever eat over there. but i had a steak which was pretty good. afterwards, we walked back, passing Book Soup on the way. i told them it was one of the better book stores in the greater los angeles area. my step-mom loves to read so we went inside and i told her to buy a jonathan safran-foer novel ("everything is illuminated" which was turned into a sub-par movie with elijah wood). the next day i didnt have to work. they came to check out my apartment which isnt much to look at. afterwards, they wanted to see the USC campus, so we walked around for 15 minutes and that was that. so i spent the rest of the day by the pool with them on top of their hotel. we just talked about a lot of things. family stuff. what were interested in, what were doing in life, etc... i got home late and woke up early. on set, i was to get blown by one of the most gorgeous hungarian porn-models. she laughed a lot at tory lane who is very loud and overwhelming all of the time. we have the same agent, so they asked that i drive her home afterwards. the girl wanted to go eat hungarian food. i agreed, but halfway to our destination she received a phone call from someone she spoke to in hungarian. then we spent 30 minutes trying to find a wells fargo bank on ventura blvd because she would rather eat with the person sitting there on the curb (that person happened to have given me a blowjob only days earlier). i didnt take offense. i was just a guy she was paid to make ejaculate in her mouth. and... i had a dinner appointment with a guy from my directing class last semester. he picked a fancy italian place in downtown. the conversation revolved mostly around porn... and to the book im writing because hes one of the only people ive let read from it (he says its too good to just be a vampire story and i should remove all those elements and just make it about the relationship between these two boys, and any of the death/sex stuff should be about necrophilia fantasies. so basically, a dennis cooper novel)... and to the screenplay idea he has, which is good, but sounds a fuck of a lot like my friend, kayden's. today is a blow bang at 2pm. | | Saturday, July 4th, 2009 | | 11:54 am |
breaking up with people you dont date
i refer to her as the "god girl," not because she's featured on godsgirls.com, but because she's into god. like the first time we met in person she said something that tripped me out, and i said something that tripped her out, and she tried to make what i believe was a compromise and state, "im not really a practicing christian but i like to think of myself as a child of god." this tripped me out a lot, probably more than if she had just said "im a christian." because it sounds like she belongs to a cult, something less dangerous than a major religion but still capable of inflicting immediate physical harm. but... she was cute, and i dont know... i really wasnt into anything else she talked about, except maybe briefly. shes a professional chef (but still weighs around 100 lbs so im not even sure i believe that), and a amateur comedian. ive never seen her perform but she laid out some jokes on me and they often referenced jesus. so this whole experience trips me out. ive spent less time around this person as time goes on. lately, i dont even care. but she calls me every once in a while and i tend to pick up the phone. this morning she called to tell me about how her drunk friend ruined the get-together she threw for him last night. she said she also watched bill maher's "religulous." this intrigued me because i wanted to know what she thought, given she was a "child of god" and all. she said her take on it was that Bill was pensive, unsure of what he believed, and making fun of religious people was all for entertainment purposes... because he's a comedian. i said, "but didn't you watch the ending?" the ending is basically a call to arms for athiests and agnostics to make an impact on social and political happenings as to prevent further violence in the world (as perpetrated on behalf of religious agendas). i said, "the film does have a thesis. its not ambivalent." she said a lot of other things that made me ask myself why i even talk to her. i finally said, "please shut up or im going to end up hating you." she hung up. good riddance. okay, so other than that? yesterday, i did some crazy DP with mark wood and adrianna nicole. mark and adrianna were supposed to be a married couple having relationship problems. i was supposed to be their plumber and a way to spice up the sex life. the director thought it would be a great idea to have us hump on the shower floor while the shower was running. this caused such questions from the cameramen, like, "can we make the water a bit colder to get rid of some of the steam in here? its fogging up the lens?" "not if you want us to keep our erections... i think thats more important for the situation." we won that one, and kept our erections. still, i cant say this was a particularly fun scene as i spent a lot of time squatting, penetrating (that was fun), and holding myself up by the shower handles. i did some other scenes this week. one was with a young hungarian girl, the second ive worked with in the past two months. im thinking hungary is not a bad place to visit if everyone there is as cute as those two. now its the 4th of july and i have no plans. its kind of great, but i wish there was a BBQ somewhere (that i was invited to) so i could swing by to pick up some good food. cause i dont know how to cook anything. maybe thats why i was interested in the "god girl." tomorrow my dad and his wife are coming to visit. | | Thursday, July 2nd, 2009 | | 11:04 am |
two in one day
this was written a while ago. for school. but its something i kind of just want to put out there. its basically a critical analysis paper. but for those interested... ( On My Dirty Knees ) | | 9:49 am |
i woke up too early today...
...and i think it was because i had to poop. :( so with that image in mind, i will go on to promote the HIGHLY ACCLAIMED SUPERSTAR, and friend of mind, Zak Smith (aka Zak Sabbath), artist and pornographer and now writer extraordinaire.... well, he's at least some of those things and he wrote and illustrated a book called "We Did Porn," a memoir of his experiences around the Alt-Porn scene. (he's the half-hair guy from "girls lie" and other fine adult cinema). so yesterday, after going to work for bluebird films, and actually not doing a milf scene (praise the lord! lord? well, someone should get the praise... probably kimberly from bluebird's casting), i drove fast, and then slow (traffic), and then walked briskly towards Book Soup where Zak would be giving a reading. Kimberly Kane and Many Morbid were there along with fans of Zak's who i did not know. we listened to him read a chapter about listening to republicans on television, playing video games with pixie pearl and his girlfriend, and then banging the both of them... there was also a chapter on his first anal scene... and on something else. they are well-written and more interesting than i have explained here. anyways, zak, mandy, kimberly, and i all went to dinner at some place on sunset that was celebrating canada day with a variety of cheap canadian beers (mandy is from canada). i had an arnold palmer and this chicken dish with a sauce that zak described as chocolately, but i would have to disagree. we talked about a lot of things. i was recognized by someone in the table across from us. kimberly started getting mildly sauced and relaying information her horse and dog porn collection. we all became intrigued enough to agree to a late-night gathering, one that revolved around sampling that collection. im a curious fellow and will watch about anything at least once. ive stumbled across the snuff and other such fucked up or illegal video/image on occasion, and though it sometimes made me ill, it seems to add to a certain knowledge about what goes on in the world. i dont know, curiousity killed the cat, but im not dead yet. anyways... we got down to business at kimberly's place. the first video was something out of brazil and featured three sort-of-attractive-women-from-certain-an gels getting naked and then warming each other up. this part was not interesting as it just featured some boring girl/girl sex with people who probably couldnt make a living at it in this neck of the woods. but then a smash cut put them in close proximity to a small horse (a pony?), who was already erect. they start blowing the horse, fucking each other, then fucking the horse, and then... doing anal with the horse? yes, a couple of these girls had horse cock shoved up their buttholes. quite amazing. the horse just stands there and they do all the work. and these girls are into it. when the horse cums (which is quite prolific), these girls fucking snowball that shit and lick whatever landed on each other's faces. i have to say i was impressed. i mean these girls were invested... so after that, we switch to the dog porn. a much less attractive cast, but this shit had a storyline and everything. it was like a real production. there was a little intro with the girls sitting on a bench at the park. they spot a jogger with his dog and then talk about how theyd love to seduce the guy and the dog. it had flashbacks to earlier dogs they banged. it even had 80's porno music. like there really must be a somewhat substantial market for this shit. but the novelty wore off because this shit was just gross, but we let it play and focused our attention on other things like cute girls on the internet, or kimberly and mandy taking turns demonstrating their lap dance skills (ive never actually had a lap dance up until last night... but they were kind of tease lap dances... didnt get the full thing... but ive never been to a strip club so i dont know what its all about). anyways, blah blah ... anything that happened after that was obviously not as interesting as horse porn. so i left went to bed at some point. other than that... well, my friend, kayden, enrolled himself in an advanced summer screenwriting course which means he has to write a feature script in 6 weeks. but his script idea is something hes working on with me. which means both of us have to finish this script in six weeks. so weve been storming our outline together the past few days. im about to go back to his place in a little bit to work on it again. wont spoil anything, but its pretty cool. sort of based on a true story (nothing that has to do with us so dont expect any porn, horse or otherwise). | | Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009 | | 1:49 pm |
the thing about writing is that youre not living
i was thinking, most likely because the thought was put there by someone else, that the reason it seems easiest to write about one's youth, or youth in general, is the fact that most of those who write in their adulthood are always consciously aware of experiences as fodder for an upcoming story or manuscript or whatever... my best friend carries a notebook to jot down interesting things people say if he happens to hear them. but as a kid, we did whatever we did with no such intention to document it. so the experiences were much more honest. however, im no longer a kid, so here are the past few days: i cant think past last wednesday. so ill start there. i was working. and i tried to work twice. ive done this several times throughout my career with mixed results. well, first scene with kristina rose was pretty banging. some deepthroat website. went off without a hitch. second scene, i kind of failed. for some reason this didnt bum me out as much as it used to... except that the girl was extremely beautiful and i just couldnt keep my dick up for the life of me. i guess ill just stick to my limits for now on. anyways, the following day i worked again. thursday. it was some adam & eve bree olson movie. alan stafford, who ive come to like quite a bit, was there doing dialog all day. good to have someone to hang out with on features. a bunch of other people were there too, but they didnt talk to me half as much. sometime in the early evening i did a scene with alexis texas. condom only, most likely due to the recent HIV scare. went pretty well if i may say so myself. the problem of the sun going down during the scene will have to be left up to someone else to deal with. next day, friday: i flew up to San Francisco to work for kink.com. do the whole femdom men in pain thing. i was booked with a milfy looking woman, which i was sort of bummed about at first. its like, come on... i do this pretty much every day in LA. you gotta give it to me up there too? but she was cool and brand new to the domination so she didnt beat me up too bad. i was just in tons of crazy bondage. at one point they wrapped my arms in legs up in vet wrap so that i was walking on my elbows. i looked like a gimp on all fours. the point was that i act like a dog. so when she fucked me in the ass and forced me to bark, i must say i felt the most sexually humiliated as i could remember, but also the most honestly entrenched in "sub-space" and so it was a sort of profound degradation, the kind that is supposed to happen in such scenarios. i also got put in some mild suspension that was actually pretty comfortable for the first few minutes. so, all in all, successful. that evening i slept a very long time, and woke up to run to AIM, get tested, and then head to the doctor's to renew my cialis prescription. i returned home to sleep some more and awoke kind of restless. i searched the internet for any fun shows going on that night, but nothing interested me. i guess PJ harvey was playing block from my house but i dont really like PJ harvey and her fans were acting as a huge nuisance, causing a great deal of foot and car traffic. anyways, while looking over the pages of twitter, i found out a cute girl from illinois was in town doing some burning angel stuff so we hung out all night. ended up being quite a bit of fun but skewing my sleep schedule even more into unhealthy territory... you know, when you go to bed at 6am. so sunday, father's day, was most unproductive, though i did talk to my father and my little brother, who was having dinner with the father. i miss my little brother quite a bit, and i guess my father as well, though in a different way. so after that, i sauntered out of my apartment to catch a free screening of this horror movie called "parasomnia." i guess former porn star, jane hamilton, produced it, and the trailer looked interesting enough, so i was curious... of course. ended up not making a lot of sense and wasnt even that good with the gore or anything. so aside from some nice visual moments, it was a lackluster experience. though i still got to enjoy some subway afterwards, chilling on the couch with this new grad student friend of mine. he lives in an old hay loft from some colonial looking building across from USC. its pretty awesome. his short films are also pretty awesome. we called up another of our friends and headed to this venue called The Smell to see a bunch of electronica acts like starfucker and captain ahab. the venue was fucking rad even though the audience was predominantly high school kids. maybe that makes it better. anyways, one of the guys from captain ahab was actually an actor in a student film i did sound on. except this time i saw him sweating in his underwear and dancing to hardcore trance music. i think he punched me in the eye. not too hard. it was a lot of fun. i saw mclovin from superbad there, and hes a total hipster. i dont know whats happened since then. worked on my book yesterday and went to the gym. | | Friday, June 5th, 2009 | | 9:37 am |
other musings
this past weekend i was up in joshua tree gripping on a student thesis film about a UFO hunter who doesnt find any UFO's but, instead, finds love... in the form of a desert motel owner. okay. this is not my favorite subject matter and it was kind of funny that the director looked like john levitz (lovitz? i still dont know). but the crew was full of good people and it was an interesting experience lugging track and a 500 pound dolly (amongst other things) throughout the desert. back in los angeles, i accompanied some friends to see a reading by Dennis Cooper, who writes some of the most amazing stories of gay love/sex/rape/murder/necrophilia/incest. i asked him where the queer punks and metalheads congregates (as they do in his novels), but he had no real answer to me other than to say more predominantly in europe, but it may just be an emo thing... its hard to tell. but he signed my book and my friends books and answered us that he never actually performed in pornography but had written some pornographic screenplays that no one would fund because they usually have a top fucking a bottom while simultaneously telling him how he would like to murder him and so forth. btw, dennis cooper was so fucking hot when he was younger. and he is a very handsome older man at this point. okay, then tuesday evening i flew to san francisco with kimberly kane. my half-sister, who lives in new york and who ive only met a handful of times in my life, happened to be in SF and i got to see her for about 5 minutes which was refreshing though way too short. KK got to see her boyfriend. and then we both went to sleep, woke up, went to breakfast, and then (at separate times) stepped on to the set of Madison Young's HBO real sex episode about her pornographic and art gallery life (she performs in porn, runs an art gallery, and is getting her first novel published... busy girl). unfortunately, HBO did not understand that feminist porn has a lot to do with the fact that the women who shoot the porn have full control over how they produce their content and therefore how their images are represented. the television crew didnt really want to objectively capture the process and instead were kind of overpowering what was going on. a little lame (they also told me to turn off my metal... aka the faceless "prison born"... but thats a more personal travesty. hah). so this really upset madison and she called to apologize, but i have no hard feelings against her. i just hope they represent her in a positive, or at least objective light (but what is that, really?). at least the sex was fun and as real as possible in such a setting. btw, syd blakovich was crewing for madison. she is one of the cutest people i have ever met. she looks like a little boy, is kind of butch but still beautiful, but also kind of ripped which i guess is from her days as an MMA fighter... im positive she could kill me if she tried, but that only adds to the attraction. what also adds to the attraction: she is totally queer... but not opposed to humping boys..... :) so i flew back to LA, blah blah blah reality kings wanted to shoot me and some other guys getting molested by predominantly clothed women while the men wore these full body spandex suits. i was the only one that could fit in them because i still look sort of like a twink (come on, right? validation? hah). so that idea was nixed because i couldnt be the only one that looked like a fucking freak. so the genius back up plan? make us all wear paper bags on our heads (we each got to design our own. mine wore a top hat, jew locks, and a hitler stache... pics on twitter @dannywylde). but this proved very difficult because i couldnt see anything the whole time and when it came time to cum, i was actually facing marco while the girl jerked me off, so i ended up ejaculating on his leg more than her face. this caused marco to do a very funny dance (so im told). this also caused the popshot to be nearly ruined by the entire cast/crew laughing. ahh... i need to jump in the shower because i have to get to work. | | Thursday, May 21st, 2009 | | 10:18 pm |
school and the end
i finished finals for this past semester last week (or was it the week before). i have one more to go. already the questions are pouring in. "what do you want to do?" or more importantly, "what are you going to do?" all these are meant to coincide with, "after graduation." well, ive sort of been telling people i want to start my transition out of porn around the time i get out of school, but that really suggests that i want a real job. which, when i really think about it, i kind of dont. higher level positions in the "legitimate" film industry don't really count as "real" jobs, but those aren't positions you can really apply for, or find yourself in immediately after school. so im pondering this question, given that ive learned no real practical skill in college. after all, i chose to study the arts which means i can now write and criticize and talk about this ideology i would like to disseminate among some portions of the population, knowing full well it wont do much in terms of changing peoples minds about anything. but it still sounds good when i talk to other people in the same boat, other "artists," generally students like myself who are overtly critical of popular culture although we all love to consume it. so i guess i should really finish the book ive been working on forever. thats kind of my goal this summer, although it was my goal this past semester. hah. at least ive been working on it these past couple weeks which means i have regained the initiative. if i do porn and am a writer, at least im producing something. because god knows people wont take me seriously otherwise. i have the benefit of the doubt now because im in college. but immediately after i graduate, if theres no transition, there seems to be this looming idea that ive failed to enter the "real world." but hmmm... i feel like i should want to get a job in the film industry as a gaffer or grip or work my way up the production ladder starting as a PA. oh, but these all sound so terrible and they would ultimately describe my academic experience as having gone through a trade school. anyways, jobs are "so last century." the economy sucks. no one i know really seems to work full time at anything. and if they do, its because theyre struggling at their art. or if theyre not struggling, its at least been put on the backburner. why do we all want to be artists? i dont know. im certainly one that would love to portray myself as such. in any case, im ready for school to end. just not ready for the societal pressures that go along with that. as for the porn, this week seems to be going well. been banging out scenes most every day except today. tristan taormino cast me twice for last minute scenes, both of which were a lot of fun. though the latter of the two came after a particularly long day for everyone. the scenes before us were apparently not so successful. so i guess this is really my last summer. after this, i will no longer be a student (definitely not going to grad school... actually, im not going to promise anything. i change my mind too much as it is). but i guess there should be some grand culmination. or i should just relax. i guess i should worry less about this whole job thing and just try to lead an interesting existence. it seems to be working so far. or maybe not? |
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