Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in me's LiveJournal:

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Wednesday, July 8th, 2009
9:51 am	days im back on a jay brannan kick because he just released a new album (mostly of cover songs). but theres a couple originals. they are good. his voice is literally one of the most beautiful ive ever heard. anyways, my dad rolled into town on sunday night with his wife, who i guess is my step mom. anyone who actually knows me is probably aware of my past tenuous relationship with my father. those who dont, well, you dont really need to. at this point in life, i get along okay with my dad (who would prefer i call him papa because hes from germany). we have a long-distance relationship which works best. he lives up on a mountain in nevada city, california, and rarely leaves the house. he is a chiropractic neurologist and overall practicioner of alternative and preventative health. hes good at what he does but not at promoting himself or his work. this is basically because hes not good at dealing with people, nor has he ever been. but right now, hes well-meaning and mostly harmless. still, hes the kind of guy that will bring his own light bulbs to a hotel room because the mercury in flourescent lights supposedly gives off toxic lightwaves. he has a cell phone but doesnt turn it on except to call someone from the road. and he wont get wireless internet in his home because of the influence on the brain. so they booked a hotel in west hollywood and i drove out to walk them down sunset and eat at a little place called... well, im not really sure because i dont ever eat over there. but i had a steak which was pretty good. afterwards, we walked back, passing Book Soup on the way. i told them it was one of the better book stores in the greater los angeles area. my step-mom loves to read so we went inside and i told her to buy a jonathan safran-foer novel ("everything is illuminated" which was turned into a sub-par movie with elijah wood). the next day i didnt have to work. they came to check out my apartment which isnt much to look at. afterwards, they wanted to see the USC campus, so we walked around for 15 minutes and that was that. so i spent the rest of the day by the pool with them on top of their hotel. we just talked about a lot of things. family stuff. what were interested in, what were doing in life, etc... i got home late and woke up early. on set, i was to get blown by one of the most gorgeous hungarian porn-models. she laughed a lot at tory lane who is very loud and overwhelming all of the time. we have the same agent, so they asked that i drive her home afterwards. the girl wanted to go eat hungarian food. i agreed, but halfway to our destination she received a phone call from someone she spoke to in hungarian. then we spent 30 minutes trying to find a wells fargo bank on ventura blvd because she would rather eat with the person sitting there on the curb (that person happened to have given me a blowjob only days earlier). i didnt take offense. i was just a guy she was paid to make ejaculate in her mouth. and... i had a dinner appointment with a guy from my directing class last semester. he picked a fancy italian place in downtown. the conversation revolved mostly around porn... and to the book im writing because hes one of the only people ive let read from it (he says its too good to just be a vampire story and i should remove all those elements and just make it about the relationship between these two boys, and any of the death/sex stuff should be about necrophilia fantasies. so basically, a dennis cooper novel)... and to the screenplay idea he has, which is good, but sounds a fuck of a lot like my friend, kayden's. today is a blow bang at 2pm. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, July 4th, 2009
11:54 am	breaking up with people you dont date i refer to her as the "god girl," not because she's featured on godsgirls.com, but because she's into god. like the first time we met in person she said something that tripped me out, and i said something that tripped her out, and she tried to make what i believe was a compromise and state, "im not really a practicing christian but i like to think of myself as a child of god." this tripped me out a lot, probably more than if she had just said "im a christian." because it sounds like she belongs to a cult, something less dangerous than a major religion but still capable of inflicting immediate physical harm. but... she was cute, and i dont know... i really wasnt into anything else she talked about, except maybe briefly. shes a professional chef (but still weighs around 100 lbs so im not even sure i believe that), and a amateur comedian. ive never seen her perform but she laid out some jokes on me and they often referenced jesus. so this whole experience trips me out. ive spent less time around this person as time goes on. lately, i dont even care. but she calls me every once in a while and i tend to pick up the phone. this morning she called to tell me about how her drunk friend ruined the get-together she threw for him last night. she said she also watched bill maher's "religulous." this intrigued me because i wanted to know what she thought, given she was a "child of god" and all. she said her take on it was that Bill was pensive, unsure of what he believed, and making fun of religious people was all for entertainment purposes... because he's a comedian. i said, "but didn't you watch the ending?" the ending is basically a call to arms for athiests and agnostics to make an impact on social and political happenings as to prevent further violence in the world (as perpetrated on behalf of religious agendas). i said, "the film does have a thesis. its not ambivalent." she said a lot of other things that made me ask myself why i even talk to her. i finally said, "please shut up or im going to end up hating you." she hung up. good riddance. okay, so other than that? yesterday, i did some crazy DP with mark wood and adrianna nicole. mark and adrianna were supposed to be a married couple having relationship problems. i was supposed to be their plumber and a way to spice up the sex life. the director thought it would be a great idea to have us hump on the shower floor while the shower was running. this caused such questions from the cameramen, like, "can we make the water a bit colder to get rid of some of the steam in here? its fogging up the lens?" "not if you want us to keep our erections... i think thats more important for the situation." we won that one, and kept our erections. still, i cant say this was a particularly fun scene as i spent a lot of time squatting, penetrating (that was fun), and holding myself up by the shower handles. i did some other scenes this week. one was with a young hungarian girl, the second ive worked with in the past two months. im thinking hungary is not a bad place to visit if everyone there is as cute as those two. now its the 4th of july and i have no plans. its kind of great, but i wish there was a BBQ somewhere (that i was invited to) so i could swing by to pick up some good food. cause i dont know how to cook anything. maybe thats why i was interested in the "god girl." tomorrow my dad and his wife are coming to visit. (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Thursday, July 2nd, 2009
11:04 am	two in one day this was written a while ago. for school. but its something i kind of just want to put out there. its basically a critical analysis paper. but for those interested... ( On My Dirty Knees ) (6 Comments |Comment on this)
9:49 am	i woke up too early today... ...and i think it was because i had to poop. :( so with that image in mind, i will go on to promote the HIGHLY ACCLAIMED SUPERSTAR, and friend of mind, Zak Smith (aka Zak Sabbath), artist and pornographer and now writer extraordinaire.... well, he's at least some of those things and he wrote and illustrated a book called "We Did Porn," a memoir of his experiences around the Alt-Porn scene. (he's the half-hair guy from "girls lie" and other fine adult cinema). so yesterday, after going to work for bluebird films, and actually not doing a milf scene (praise the lord! lord? well, someone should get the praise... probably kimberly from bluebird's casting), i drove fast, and then slow (traffic), and then walked briskly towards Book Soup where Zak would be giving a reading. Kimberly Kane and Many Morbid were there along with fans of Zak's who i did not know. we listened to him read a chapter about listening to republicans on television, playing video games with pixie pearl and his girlfriend, and then banging the both of them... there was also a chapter on his first anal scene... and on something else. they are well-written and more interesting than i have explained here. anyways, zak, mandy, kimberly, and i all went to dinner at some place on sunset that was celebrating canada day with a variety of cheap canadian beers (mandy is from canada). i had an arnold palmer and this chicken dish with a sauce that zak described as chocolately, but i would have to disagree. we talked about a lot of things. i was recognized by someone in the table across from us. kimberly started getting mildly sauced and relaying information her horse and dog porn collection. we all became intrigued enough to agree to a late-night gathering, one that revolved around sampling that collection. im a curious fellow and will watch about anything at least once. ive stumbled across the snuff and other such fucked up or illegal video/image on occasion, and though it sometimes made me ill, it seems to add to a certain knowledge about what goes on in the world. i dont know, curiousity killed the cat, but im not dead yet. anyways... we got down to business at kimberly's place. the first video was something out of brazil and featured three sort-of-attractive-women-from-certain-angels getting naked and then warming each other up. this part was not interesting as it just featured some boring girl/girl sex with people who probably couldnt make a living at it in this neck of the woods. but then a smash cut put them in close proximity to a small horse (a pony?), who was already erect. they start blowing the horse, fucking each other, then fucking the horse, and then... doing anal with the horse? yes, a couple of these girls had horse cock shoved up their buttholes. quite amazing. the horse just stands there and they do all the work. and these girls are into it. when the horse cums (which is quite prolific), these girls fucking snowball that shit and lick whatever landed on each other's faces. i have to say i was impressed. i mean these girls were invested... so after that, we switch to the dog porn. a much less attractive cast, but this shit had a storyline and everything. it was like a real production. there was a little intro with the girls sitting on a bench at the park. they spot a jogger with his dog and then talk about how theyd love to seduce the guy and the dog. it had flashbacks to earlier dogs they banged. it even had 80's porno music. like there really must be a somewhat substantial market for this shit. but the novelty wore off because this shit was just gross, but we let it play and focused our attention on other things like cute girls on the internet, or kimberly and mandy taking turns demonstrating their lap dance skills (ive never actually had a lap dance up until last night... but they were kind of tease lap dances... didnt get the full thing... but ive never been to a strip club so i dont know what its all about). anyways, blah blah ... anything that happened after that was obviously not as interesting as horse porn. so i left went to bed at some point. other than that... well, my friend, kayden, enrolled himself in an advanced summer screenwriting course which means he has to write a feature script in 6 weeks. but his script idea is something hes working on with me. which means both of us have to finish this script in six weeks. so weve been storming our outline together the past few days. im about to go back to his place in a little bit to work on it again. wont spoil anything, but its pretty cool. sort of based on a true story (nothing that has to do with us so dont expect any porn, horse or otherwise). (3 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, June 23rd, 2009
1:49 pm	the thing about writing is that youre not living i was thinking, most likely because the thought was put there by someone else, that the reason it seems easiest to write about one's youth, or youth in general, is the fact that most of those who write in their adulthood are always consciously aware of experiences as fodder for an upcoming story or manuscript or whatever... my best friend carries a notebook to jot down interesting things people say if he happens to hear them. but as a kid, we did whatever we did with no such intention to document it. so the experiences were much more honest. however, im no longer a kid, so here are the past few days: i cant think past last wednesday. so ill start there. i was working. and i tried to work twice. ive done this several times throughout my career with mixed results. well, first scene with kristina rose was pretty banging. some deepthroat website. went off without a hitch. second scene, i kind of failed. for some reason this didnt bum me out as much as it used to... except that the girl was extremely beautiful and i just couldnt keep my dick up for the life of me. i guess ill just stick to my limits for now on. anyways, the following day i worked again. thursday. it was some adam & eve bree olson movie. alan stafford, who ive come to like quite a bit, was there doing dialog all day. good to have someone to hang out with on features. a bunch of other people were there too, but they didnt talk to me half as much. sometime in the early evening i did a scene with alexis texas. condom only, most likely due to the recent HIV scare. went pretty well if i may say so myself. the problem of the sun going down during the scene will have to be left up to someone else to deal with. next day, friday: i flew up to San Francisco to work for kink.com. do the whole femdom men in pain thing. i was booked with a milfy looking woman, which i was sort of bummed about at first. its like, come on... i do this pretty much every day in LA. you gotta give it to me up there too? but she was cool and brand new to the domination so she didnt beat me up too bad. i was just in tons of crazy bondage. at one point they wrapped my arms in legs up in vet wrap so that i was walking on my elbows. i looked like a gimp on all fours. the point was that i act like a dog. so when she fucked me in the ass and forced me to bark, i must say i felt the most sexually humiliated as i could remember, but also the most honestly entrenched in "sub-space" and so it was a sort of profound degradation, the kind that is supposed to happen in such scenarios. i also got put in some mild suspension that was actually pretty comfortable for the first few minutes. so, all in all, successful. that evening i slept a very long time, and woke up to run to AIM, get tested, and then head to the doctor's to renew my cialis prescription. i returned home to sleep some more and awoke kind of restless. i searched the internet for any fun shows going on that night, but nothing interested me. i guess PJ harvey was playing block from my house but i dont really like PJ harvey and her fans were acting as a huge nuisance, causing a great deal of foot and car traffic. anyways, while looking over the pages of twitter, i found out a cute girl from illinois was in town doing some burning angel stuff so we hung out all night. ended up being quite a bit of fun but skewing my sleep schedule even more into unhealthy territory... you know, when you go to bed at 6am. so sunday, father's day, was most unproductive, though i did talk to my father and my little brother, who was having dinner with the father. i miss my little brother quite a bit, and i guess my father as well, though in a different way. so after that, i sauntered out of my apartment to catch a free screening of this horror movie called "parasomnia." i guess former porn star, jane hamilton, produced it, and the trailer looked interesting enough, so i was curious... of course. ended up not making a lot of sense and wasnt even that good with the gore or anything. so aside from some nice visual moments, it was a lackluster experience. though i still got to enjoy some subway afterwards, chilling on the couch with this new grad student friend of mine. he lives in an old hay loft from some colonial looking building across from USC. its pretty awesome. his short films are also pretty awesome. we called up another of our friends and headed to this venue called The Smell to see a bunch of electronica acts like starfucker and captain ahab. the venue was fucking rad even though the audience was predominantly high school kids. maybe that makes it better. anyways, one of the guys from captain ahab was actually an actor in a student film i did sound on. except this time i saw him sweating in his underwear and dancing to hardcore trance music. i think he punched me in the eye. not too hard. it was a lot of fun. i saw mclovin from superbad there, and hes a total hipster. i dont know whats happened since then. worked on my book yesterday and went to the gym. (10 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, June 5th, 2009
9:37 am	other musings this past weekend i was up in joshua tree gripping on a student thesis film about a UFO hunter who doesnt find any UFO's but, instead, finds love... in the form of a desert motel owner. okay. this is not my favorite subject matter and it was kind of funny that the director looked like john levitz (lovitz? i still dont know). but the crew was full of good people and it was an interesting experience lugging track and a 500 pound dolly (amongst other things) throughout the desert. back in los angeles, i accompanied some friends to see a reading by Dennis Cooper, who writes some of the most amazing stories of gay love/sex/rape/murder/necrophilia/incest. i asked him where the queer punks and metalheads congregates (as they do in his novels), but he had no real answer to me other than to say more predominantly in europe, but it may just be an emo thing... its hard to tell. but he signed my book and my friends books and answered us that he never actually performed in pornography but had written some pornographic screenplays that no one would fund because they usually have a top fucking a bottom while simultaneously telling him how he would like to murder him and so forth. btw, dennis cooper was so fucking hot when he was younger. and he is a very handsome older man at this point. okay, then tuesday evening i flew to san francisco with kimberly kane. my half-sister, who lives in new york and who ive only met a handful of times in my life, happened to be in SF and i got to see her for about 5 minutes which was refreshing though way too short. KK got to see her boyfriend. and then we both went to sleep, woke up, went to breakfast, and then (at separate times) stepped on to the set of Madison Young's HBO real sex episode about her pornographic and art gallery life (she performs in porn, runs an art gallery, and is getting her first novel published... busy girl). unfortunately, HBO did not understand that feminist porn has a lot to do with the fact that the women who shoot the porn have full control over how they produce their content and therefore how their images are represented. the television crew didnt really want to objectively capture the process and instead were kind of overpowering what was going on. a little lame (they also told me to turn off my metal... aka the faceless "prison born"... but thats a more personal travesty. hah). so this really upset madison and she called to apologize, but i have no hard feelings against her. i just hope they represent her in a positive, or at least objective light (but what is that, really?). at least the sex was fun and as real as possible in such a setting. btw, syd blakovich was crewing for madison. she is one of the cutest people i have ever met. she looks like a little boy, is kind of butch but still beautiful, but also kind of ripped which i guess is from her days as an MMA fighter... im positive she could kill me if she tried, but that only adds to the attraction. what also adds to the attraction: she is totally queer... but not opposed to humping boys..... :) so i flew back to LA, blah blah blah reality kings wanted to shoot me and some other guys getting molested by predominantly clothed women while the men wore these full body spandex suits. i was the only one that could fit in them because i still look sort of like a twink (come on, right? validation? hah). so that idea was nixed because i couldnt be the only one that looked like a fucking freak. so the genius back up plan? make us all wear paper bags on our heads (we each got to design our own. mine wore a top hat, jew locks, and a hitler stache... pics on twitter @dannywylde). but this proved very difficult because i couldnt see anything the whole time and when it came time to cum, i was actually facing marco while the girl jerked me off, so i ended up ejaculating on his leg more than her face. this caused marco to do a very funny dance (so im told). this also caused the popshot to be nearly ruined by the entire cast/crew laughing. ahh... i need to jump in the shower because i have to get to work. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, May 21st, 2009
10:18 pm	school and the end i finished finals for this past semester last week (or was it the week before). i have one more to go. already the questions are pouring in. "what do you want to do?" or more importantly, "what are you going to do?" all these are meant to coincide with, "after graduation." well, ive sort of been telling people i want to start my transition out of porn around the time i get out of school, but that really suggests that i want a real job. which, when i really think about it, i kind of dont. higher level positions in the "legitimate" film industry don't really count as "real" jobs, but those aren't positions you can really apply for, or find yourself in immediately after school. so im pondering this question, given that ive learned no real practical skill in college. after all, i chose to study the arts which means i can now write and criticize and talk about this ideology i would like to disseminate among some portions of the population, knowing full well it wont do much in terms of changing peoples minds about anything. but it still sounds good when i talk to other people in the same boat, other "artists," generally students like myself who are overtly critical of popular culture although we all love to consume it. so i guess i should really finish the book ive been working on forever. thats kind of my goal this summer, although it was my goal this past semester. hah. at least ive been working on it these past couple weeks which means i have regained the initiative. if i do porn and am a writer, at least im producing something. because god knows people wont take me seriously otherwise. i have the benefit of the doubt now because im in college. but immediately after i graduate, if theres no transition, there seems to be this looming idea that ive failed to enter the "real world." but hmmm... i feel like i should want to get a job in the film industry as a gaffer or grip or work my way up the production ladder starting as a PA. oh, but these all sound so terrible and they would ultimately describe my academic experience as having gone through a trade school. anyways, jobs are "so last century." the economy sucks. no one i know really seems to work full time at anything. and if they do, its because theyre struggling at their art. or if theyre not struggling, its at least been put on the backburner. why do we all want to be artists? i dont know. im certainly one that would love to portray myself as such. in any case, im ready for school to end. just not ready for the societal pressures that go along with that. as for the porn, this week seems to be going well. been banging out scenes most every day except today. tristan taormino cast me twice for last minute scenes, both of which were a lot of fun. though the latter of the two came after a particularly long day for everyone. the scenes before us were apparently not so successful. so i guess this is really my last summer. after this, i will no longer be a student (definitely not going to grad school... actually, im not going to promise anything. i change my mind too much as it is). but i guess there should be some grand culmination. or i should just relax. i guess i should worry less about this whole job thing and just try to lead an interesting existence. it seems to be working so far. or maybe not? (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Friday, April 24th, 2009
10:04 pm	:-/ this month has been so weird. but im writing because things are finally looking up, or at least im in a good mood. early this month had a couple medical scares that put me out of work for two-three weeks. now im back and booked up pretty steadily but the money in my account ran out, and i dont have checks for another 2 weeks. thank god for moms. but then..... someone at school decided to hacksaw off the catalytic converter from my car while i was parked in a USC parking garage (WTF???). so i drove it home to wait until the morning to take it into the shop. i got up at 8am, walked out to my car, and the passenger's window was smashed, my dashboard ripped up, and the cd player missing (along with a ditty bag full of film production expendables). the thing that pisses me off about this is that the window is more expensive than anything they stole!!! still, i think the insurance is taking care of it. just doesnt feel good to have all that on my credit card right now. anyways, the school semester is almost up and im done with a lot of the major work until finals. so ive kind of spaced out with most of it and tried to get back into doing scenes. i wasnt feeling to strong in my "performances" a few days ago, but im back and killing it. today i shot for bluebird with mason moore, who has a killer body and squirts like every few minutes (and not the fake pee squirting). so that was pretty fun. now im at home. listening to jay brannan again. feeling pretty gay. my friend invited me out to a club but i think i need a night to just chill and bust out the Wii. (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 11th, 2009
4:40 pm	sorry... ...for that last post. my life is relatively "good" compared to most the world i suppose, but minor catastrophes seem to be happening at quite a frequent rate, as of late. but im surviving them one by one, and still getting the major things done on my plate. been cooped up in my apartment the past two days slamming out homework for the rest of the semester so i can focus on the spec commercial im doing with some friends(knock on wood... hopefully this doesnt fall apart like the last one). just finished my final essay for a writing class on a porn film analysis. that should go over interestingly enough. other than that, studying for german test and waiting until later tonight when i will appear, briefly, in my friend's student film, and then crew on it tomorrow. (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Thursday, April 9th, 2009
9:47 pm	every so often i am reminded fucking circumstantial depression bullshit fuck (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Saturday, April 4th, 2009
4:13 pm	sharing here is a little scene i shot for my directing class last weekend. its from a book called "frisk," by dennis cooper. check it out if you have a few minutes: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FpmWZWBrWnQ (Comment on this)
Thursday, April 2nd, 2009
7:03 pm	codecs in the past few days i have learned more about video codecs than i would have ever really liked to. but i have come to the decision that i should not seek out a job as a professional editor, and i should really think about investing in a mac (in the breakup, the mac went with my ex and consequently so did final cut... so im trying to make the best of cutting my school projects with avid and its fucking bullshit proprietary software). anyways, i kind of want to jock a recent porno release that im in: a film by the infamous Eon McKai, titled "On My Dirty Knees." while his work has been ultimately groundbreaking in the adult industry at many points in his career, i would personally say that this marks another milestone. i dont think he, personally, has put out anything as interesting since his vivid alt, debut, Girls Lie. Of course, there was the Doll Underground, which was good, but didnt sit as well with me because its a corporate porn release with a sort of vague anti-consumer propaganda message that no one else involved really held as their own... i think it gave it a somewhat illegitimate tone(still, what other pornographer would have treaded such territory?). but back to On My Dirty Knees: it mimics the themes of Girls Lie by fabricating scenarios from the lives of the actual female talent, which in this case are only two girls: Andy San Dimas and Violet Skye (both unbelievably hot if youre into skinny pale girls with black hair). in doing so, it deals with extremely contemporary situations that really couldnt have existed until the last several years. its like comparing porn to music. as the process of producing content becomes cheaper, the market gets oversaturated to the point that there are no longer key players in the industry. not only that, people post themselves fucking for free, so theres almost no reason to pay for pornography anymore. especially when the amateur stuff is more dynamic and interesting... real people, real sex, real orgasms, acknowledgment of what turns on average viewers, or even niche viewers.... yet the story with andy and violet acknowledges the easier access to chances for exposure, their bodies/sexuality still act as commidities by financial and escapist means. in essence, a young girl can move in places not granted to those (heterosexuals) of the opposite sex. as a sexual commidity and adventurer, she has easier access to money, travel (way out of her home town... i.e. what college is to the young academics), and micro-fame through the manipulation of the micro-famous (who's exploiting who in these scenarios?). aside from that, its just a good movie in aesthetic terms. killer soundtrack by Heshen, some fancy editing on eon's part, and all the scenes are pretty fucking good (though i must admit i dont watch much of the sex part.... they still look hot in fast forward motion). (6 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, March 21st, 2009
1:05 pm	what woke up at noon after doing some midnight humping for a post-post-modern remake of art school sluts. got to work with andy san dimas who is totally cute and got super tan and skinny since role modeling. her bf is also a pretty rad dude and likes metal, though listens to tons of other terrible electronic music like myself. maybe a porn guy i can actually be friends with? we shall see.... anyways, i joined twitter (finally) under the guise of my atrocious porn name: http://www.twitter.com/dannywylde follow me i guess (1 Comment |Comment on this)
Friday, March 20th, 2009
11:37 am	i eat too many sausages thats the only thing thats been in my fridge for a week.. besides a brita water filter. no matter how many plans fall apart, theres always something to fill its place. if i actually quit school and film, and just decided to do porn i think i would actually make a decent living. ive had to turn down about 5 shoots just this month just due to school and production days. in other news, the london trip that i was supposed to go on has now supposedly been postponed a couple weeks. so ive spent the past several days (my spring break) trying to get ahead in my homework so that i can actually leave for a week without being totally academically fucked. and i was stressing out even more because this weekend i was going to be working non-stop on my friend's spec commercial, but apparently some things fell apart last minute and that, too, has to be postponed. i felt really bad for said friend because this is like the third time something like this has happened to her. but the lack of commitment to the shoot let me relax yesterday and go out with a couple friends to a few gay clubs in west hollywood. i ended the night losing my socks in some cute boy's car (i dont even remember his name. jesus), and running down the street (in the wrong direction) trying to find my friends' car, and ride home... i did make it into my bed by 3am. and even though im working today, its not until the evening. so it should all be good. i should really spend the day writing since ive abandoned my goal ever since i moved (ive written maybe 3 pages of my book since then... awful). realistically, i dont now if thats going to happen. i need to go pick up some checks and figure out my food situation. im out of sausages and have been eating too much fast food, though not really much food in general, so my calorie intake has been pretty low and my energy output quite high. which is why ive been fucking tired lately. at least my abs look okay. also... rediscovered jay brannan... bought his album, "goddamned" on itunes. fucking amazing. especially the song "goddamned." (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Tuesday, March 10th, 2009
9:33 pm	change of plans i believe i had mentioned in a previous post: an offer i had received to go to london for work. an offer i gladly accepted. i received confirmation of the purchased plane ticket, arranged to be absent from school, packed my bags, and awoke this morning to get a call from my agent (on the day i was supposed to leave, no less) that the entire trip had been cancelled... due to what? lack of funds? a catastrophe? im still not entirely sure. it was disappointing news, sure. even more so because the work i was promised now has to be made up in other ventures, and the professors i had talked at length with about my trip in order to rearrange my acadmic schedule will now see me in class tomorrow, and ask, "why are you here?" to which i will just throw up my hands. the thought crossed my mind to just drive somewhere, anywhere... just leave and create a vacation of my own. but logic and inevitable financial distress got in the way and i wandered back into my comfortably small studio to do a page of some German homework, spend thirty minutes on a cheap version of the stairmaster i purchased from Target nearly two years ago, and then crawl into bed. i stayed under the covers for quite some time, allowing my thoughts to travel towards the negative... not about the cancelled trip in particular, but of fleeting life experiences and how much of them lie in the hands of others. i started to have some mild panic attack associated with the thought process: what have i been doing, what am i doing, and is it worth it in regards to what i really want out of life? am i studying within a fabricated environment to be able to, professionally, create fabricated environments for the rest of my years on earth? and what does that mean for my experience? has it been entirely artificial? and compared to what? i suppose i also started to feel lonely, and it may have had something to do with the songs my Itunes had landed on, an hour or more worth of melodies in the minor key, a soundtrack of sorrow while i stared between my pillow and the far, white wall. but i began to think that it may also be that i finally stopped moving. i had undergone what is normally associated with emotional stress and heartache little more than a month ago, though i have hardly spent much time or energy dwelling on it. and its been due to the fact that, all this time, there has been something dire, or at least immediate, requiring my attention at near every moment. until now. because i had planned for something else requiring my attention and action, and it didn't happen. which left a gap of time i had not accounted for. mind you, ive not fallen apart. but im still sitting in my apartment as if im waiting for a phone call or knock at the door. an old friend, or at least a familiar face, to show up and talk to me, touch my arm or face, and fill up the empty space beside my bed. i feel tired and restless and in need of... something. the feeling is so familiar, though not in recent years. i imagine myself back in the mountains of my hometown or the mountains where my ancestors lived and tell me of through remnants of memories in my blood. i need to be back in contact with something primal, physical, and that links me with other... men? is it men in particular? the last time i truly cried was when reading a passage from a book called Iron John. i dont remember where the exact passage lay but the message, something about the contemporary "soft man," ecologically superior to his father, sympathetic to the whole harmony of the universe, yet he himself has little vitality to offer. "He had learned so well not to hurt anyone that he couln't lift the steel, even to catch the light of the sun on it. But showing a sword doesn't necessarily mean fighting. It can also suggest a joyful decisiveness." theres something i need to rediscover about ritual from the past. not my past. but something much earlier. the passage that not only makes one a man, but brings him into the community of men. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Saturday, February 28th, 2009
10:34 pm	sick i did a scene with a girl named coco for the second time on tuesday. but the second time she was coughing and sneezing and telling me she had taken anti-biotics and shouldn't be contagious. i knew better, but still cary much of the youthful attitude of invulnerability with me everywhere i go, and so assumed because i most likely take better care of myself than she does, that i would not catch her cold. but i was wrong, and im sure it registered when i stood over her, stroking my erect penis, while she convulsed in her coughing sputters, when i said to the director, eon, "do you think i should just pop on her like this?" to which he responded, "that's a little more 'jock' than im used to." so by the following evening i had a runny nose, and the day after inflamed sinuses, fever, and all the symptoms of winter illness. but i had to work so i did the same thing my new co-talent. "im just getting over a cold," i told her. "so i shouldn't be contagious." what a fucking liar. hah. and then the following night, which was last night, i still decided to go out with my friend to the release party of eon's new movie, "on my dirty knees," in which i play an artist of micro-fame (but still capable of seducing young girls... or girls of similar age). at the party, i was whisked on stage by the infamous miss kitty to perform oral sex on a large black dildo protruding from the pelvis of my (female) costar from the movie. its been a while since i sucked cock, but i think i did well. today, i slept mostly. wrote some paper(s) for school. got recognized from naughty america at the local chipotle. talked a bit with my new singer/songwriter friend, adrian. anything else? probably. (Comment on this)
Saturday, February 21st, 2009
11:34 pm	this strange, single life So it's been only three weeks without a significant other and i have to say that either my mourning process came before the official "breakup" (which is at least, in part, true) or has yet to come. perhaps its because im too busy to sulk. there was one day where i felt a certain familiar depression coming on, but even then i was met with the task of obtaining a passport in the quickest manner possible (i will be going to london next month... ironically, the same city my ex was visiting when i moved out), and so my mind expelled any unproductive emotional byproduct and went to work on the myriad of tasks set before me. what i mean to say is that im busy, all day, every day. im now in the thick of my school work, shooting my own scenes for class, helping with other's video projects, writing papers, interviewing artists, reading, etc... My work has finally started to pick up after almost three months of near financial ruin, and so most every day I'm not scheduled for class I'm off to the valley to fuck another milf, cougar, or occasional girl of similar age. I'm still living in disarray, still picking things out of boxes, still trying to put together my new "home," although I've been sleeping in a sizable studio in the heart of Korea Town (great location, by the way) for nearly a month. last night i finally had the urge to do something fun and actually "hang out" with my friends from school. i showered away the stench of the day's work and found myself on my buddy, Roham's, couch. we decided to go to a warehouse party south of downtown that was supposedly in support of some USC students' chartible trip (aka vacation) to Costa Rica for spring break. Nevertheless, i danced for several hours and rediscovered how to flirt with strangers and make out in the dark corners, all reminiscent of some high school fling. Of course, i was stopped by a group of college students asking whether i was the guy they had seen humping on their computer screens earlier in the week, and then hounded with the typical novelty questions. But all in all, i had a great time. i went to bed late, woke up relatively early, booked an hair appointment with my new neighbor who apparently (we'll see) works in the "best" salon in beverly hills and wants to give me a deal. i finished editing a scene for my directing class and then napped a good two hours in the middle of the day. i awoke again to transcribe an interview i held with a fellow student, a lesbian singer/songwriter from Indiana, and then did some laundry while trying to converse with the russian girls smoking in the building's courtyard. Everything just feels as if it's happening. there is no time to reflect on motivation. I just wake up in the morning and go. tomorrow i help one of my closest friends on another student film, and then im back to school and work and life and ... (2 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, February 8th, 2009
10:28 pm	so... I'm newly single (which connotes the obvious) and live by myself for arguably the first time in my life. I now have a perfectly-sized studio apartment in Los Angeles' Korea Town. So there's that. (4 Comments |Comment on this)
Sunday, January 11th, 2009
8:14 pm	i didnt go to vegas... for the porn convention. instead, i stayed home to take care of the cats. last weekend, i went to see phobia and a bunch of other grindcore bands. was an interesting experience to find that the punk rock scene in LA is mostly latino. no more disenfranchised white kids... except phobia... but theyre in their thirties now. anyways: grindcore=last form of music left to be commodified? i still havent seen a pig destroyer/anal cunt shirt at hot topic. my friend, josh, had a sober birthday party at a bar. got a lot of writing done over winter break. went to a goth club with another friend. music was too slow and too many ridiculous old dudes who think theyre hot shit for whipping little girls in the "show" area. ran into someone who knew me from training of O. she was cool. spent the past two days excercising in the morning, writing in the midday, and falling asleep playing Banjo Kazooie: Nuts & Bolts. I have to go back to school tomorrow and ive never felt so uninterested. most of my production classes are done and i just have to barrel through some general ed. dana is still not back from vegas and its 8:30... but i think she got a late start. (Comment on this)
Sunday, December 28th, 2008
11:12 am	this fucking thing so it looks like i dont really post here anymore. it looks like that because its true. but because its, you know, the holiday season and all, i thought i might hop on for an update. because i went back to see my family, which is an unusual thing these days. and while some good things and some bad things took place, i think i will focus only on the good here... because sometimes bad shit just isnt meant to share with the internet (not always true, but in this case i feel the judgement is fair). but then writing about everything that happened is going to be kind of a bore. so im going to start with a couple things of some significance, and then less significance. and then im going to do one of those lists that people filled out in middle school and high school because it sounds kind of fun right now. 1. So back in my hometown of nevada city (i grew up in grass valley but the neighboring city is nevada city and we all kind of know each other), a fellow by the name of roger rents out a concert hall called the miner's foundry every year (well only 2 years so far) and invites everyone to come and have a reunion of sorts on christmas eve. so i did just that. i showed up with my younger brother, my step-sister, and her new boyfriend from south africa (who has a small mullet and is actually very fun to talk to). well, at this event, my half-brother's old band called offering to the sun (which sounds a lot like neurosis and which i fucking loved in high school), decided to do a reunion show about 3 or 4 years after they disbanded. and since i was surrounded at this event by people i went to high school with, it became an increasingly nostalgic experience. because i was more-or-less at a show, watching a band i was really into about 5 or 6 years ago, in the same place id watched them 5 or 6 years ago, and standing next to the same people id watched them with 5 or 6 years ago (with quite a few additions to the audience). so instead of really enjoy the music, i fell into the kind of post-modern reflection that comes about in such a situation: to think about how strange of a fucking time travel device that is except everyone is older, fatter perhaps, and a little less immediately emotionally involved in anything going on in the other's life. so when no music was playing i basically had less-than-five minute conversations with up to 30 people, all of whom i had some connection with in the past. and while this was a grand experience, i still have no idea what to think of it, because more than anything else it just made me feel... 2. Okay. So the next thing that happened really has no significance: I was jogging around the block my mother lives on (because i was staying with her for christmas and needed to get in some excercise on my little trip home). whilst on my first lap, i noticed two young boys, about 11 or 12 years old, skateboarding in and/or around their garage. when i ran past in my target-off-brand running shorts and some obscure metal shirt, these boys started to catcall me such as adolescents might do to an attractive girl they might happen to drive by. i smiled because it was mildly amusing and it appeared to me that they were fucking around. well... this behavior escalated with every lap i did (which was about 6 laps aka 1.5 miles). and by the 4th, i was stopped so that one of the boys could wrap his arms around me. by the last lap, i was asked whether i worked at Chili's, and when i replied, "No," one of them continued, "Well you should," and proceeded to shout out his phone number. Then when i was about 50 yards away, he started to run after me again, hug me again, and then slap me on the ass, saying, "Just want to make you feel welcome." What do i make of this? i still have no idea. Now on to the "list" (stolen from an LJ friend who i dont actually know but met once i believe): oh man, these questions actually look pretty lame so this might be kind of boring 1. What did you do in 2008 that you'd never done before? i dont know. i guess ive never production designed a movie before and did this year. most of the "never before" stuff probably has to do with just learning things about film in school related situations. 2. Did you keep your New Year's resolutions, and will you make more for next year? had none last year, have none this year 3. Did anyone close to you give birth? no, but i recently found out that my cousin is pregnant. tommy pistol's wife also had a baby but im not super close to them. hes a good guy though. 4. Did anyone close to you die? a classmate was stabbed to death, but again, not someone i was very close to 5. What countries did you visit? the United States 6. What would you like to have in 2009 that you lacked in 2008? A bachelor's degree 7. What date from 2008 will remain etched upon your memory, and why? this must have not been the most exciting year because nothing stands out as truly significant 8. What was your biggest achievement of the year? getting through my intermediate film class in one piece... and without killing my partner. 9. What was your biggest failure? well, ive not been doing so well financially this year. but i dont know whether thats really a failure. its just kind of been stressful 10. Did you suffer illness or injury? i got sick on and off for about a month. now that i think of it, this kind of coincided with my not working for almost a month. 11. What were the best things you bought? probably food. thats been keeping me going 12. Whose behavior merited celebration? i took my classmate, roham, to his first death metal show and he started growling at his roommates as soon as i dropped him off back home. 13. Whose behavior appalled you? people named jack lawrence 14. Where did most of your money go? food and rent 15. What did you get really, really, really excited about? barack obama winning the election 16. What song will always remind you of 2008? there is not a song i listened to all year long. but there has been lots of car rides with placebo. and discovering eluveitie made me happy for a few months. 17. Compared to this time last year, are you happier or sadder? i think im happier, but i really wasnt sad last year 18. What do you wish you'd done more of? write 19. What do you wish you'd done less of? stress out 20. How will you be spending Christmas? i did already. with my mom's side of the family 21. How will you be spending New Years? not really sure 22. Did you fall in love in 2008? no. just kept it going. 23. How many one-night stands? none. unless you count work in the evening. 24. What was your favorite TV program? dexter. the office. metalocalypse. i discovered carnivale a few years late. but thats a pretty good show. 25. Do you hate anyone now that you didn't hate this time last year? i dont think i really hate anyone. 26. What was the best book you read? i read so many books this past summer, i cant even remember. i think re-reading coin locker babies was fun since it is my favorite book of all time. right now im in the middle of philip roth's "portnoy's complaint." its very interesting and fun, but the fact that its based around a jewish upbringing lacks a certain relevance to me. 27. What was your greatest musical discovery? eluveitie and dr. manhattan 28. What did you want and get? another year of school out of the way 29. What did you want and not get? probably a bunch of things i saw while window shopping that would not really effect my life in any real way 30. What was your favorite film of this year? so far, "let the right one in" but theres a few movies i havent seen yet that i will hopefully catch soon: milk, slumdog millionaire, the wrestler, and that benjamin button movie 31. What did you do on your birthday? i think i went to disneyland with dana and aiden starr 32. What one thing would have made your year immeasurably more satisfying? finishing my book 33. How would you describe your personal fashion concept in 2008? hah. the same as always. bad metal shirts and jeans. but now i have some fancier jeans and a nice jacket. oh... and converse. 34. What kept you sane? exercise 35. Which celebrity/public figure did you fancy the most? charles derra 36. Who did you miss? my little brother. just got to see him though 37. Who was the best new person you met? charles derra 38. Tell us a valuable life lesson you learned in 2008. everything's a big deal until its over 39. Quote a song lyric that sums up your year: fucking kill him. fucking kill him. i dont care if it hurts. yes i do, i want it to. fucking kill him. but make him cry like a woman (no particular woman) (5 Comments |Comment on this)